I’m 36 years old. Ouch that hurts just a little bit. Isn’t it great when we’re young and we think we’ll NEVER get old? But then suddenly we’re 30 years old and wondering “Why aren’t I married? I’m a really awesome person!”
I wasn’t a reckless teenager in the sense that you might think. In my youth I was more reckless with my heart throwing it at any handsome and sometimes worthless passerby. I went to the occasional party. I never did drugs or smoked cigarettes. Love was my drug (sorry Ke$ha I did it first). I never had a boyfriend in high school. One time, I asked a guy I had a crush on to a dance and was flat out rejected. One crushing moment of my high school career. It never stopped me from trying to find love. I had boyfriends: one who broke up with me after I gave him tickets to see his favorite band, one who cheated on me, one who I’m sure was gay, and one who told me he was gay (well bisexual but that didn’t sound as good in the sentence). The worst was John*. I’m sure he cheated on me but I never had proof. He was the worst kind of guy.. He constantly put me down. He would say I would look better if I lost weight or got a boob job (yes, this is a true story). He often preferred football to me (more on this later). Probably, why I have a deep-seated hatred of football to this day.
An aside, I started taking birth control when I was 13 (to regulate my first period which lasted a month). I never got off them. It was the easiest way to insure that I wouldn’t be 16 and pregnant (well 18 because I didn’t have sex until I was 18).
At one time while dating John, I was so damn poor I couldn’t afford birth control, so I stopped talking them and like many 21 year olds so easily seem to do, I got pregnant. Actually, I was over the moon. I had foolishly hoped to hold on to John with this baby (what a nightmare that would have been, John forever not the baby). I’m glad I’m wiser in my old age. I did what I was supposed to do, I saw a doctor, I had an ultrasound and I didn’t tell anyone (except my mom and my close friend/neighbor) before the 12 week speed bump. I made it to twelve weeks. One night I woke up with blood on the sheets. It was a little blood at first which was no cause to worry, but soon it was a lot of blood. It was more blood than I’ve ever seen in real life and the worst pain I’ve ever felt physically and mentally (more on that later). My mom took me to the emergency room. Doctors there confirmed a miscarriage. When I got a hold of John the next morning, I said I wanted him to come to the hospital. Did I need him? He asked. No, I didn’t NEED him but I wanted him to be there. He couldn’t come, he said, because he had tickets to a football game. This is no joke. This is what really happened. How could 21 year old me be so foolish to think this man was a keeper?
My memory of the aftermath is fragmented. I know my mom took me to her house where my sister made up her bed for me (since I didn’t live at home at the time), and I cried and slept after the surgery. I was still in a lot of pain. I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on my worst enemy. The best thing that happened from all this was I finally saw John’s true colors and kicked him to the curb (as I should have long before). That break up was an easy thing to get over.
The pain of losing that baby was not so easy to get over and hung with me like a dark cloud over many years of my life. I didn’t get over it easily, and some days I thought I never would.
Fast forward to I’m nearing 30 and still on birth control, since after the miscarriage I went back on it. I’m not married and I don’t have a serious boyfriend and I declare “I’m never having children.” Fast forward to today. I’m 36 and I am lucky to have an amazing husband who’s nothing like John, and we decided together we did want to have kids.
Okay so I’m not a foolish 21 year old girl any more, so I got to work doing research on what I need to do. First step, stop taking birth control. That was easy. Second step, as advised by my doctor start taking prenatals. Third step, start charting and drinking raspberry leaf tea to hopefully get that period up and running. Forth step, read some books. Fifth step, order more vitamins. So I’m currently on the sixth step which is wait. (I gather there will be a lot of step 6 in the future.) Right now I’m waiting for my body to get with the program and turn my period back on. I was on continuous birth control for over 10 years, so I couldn’t even tell you when my last period was. So the waiting game is fun, isn’t it?
*Not his real name