Life · Miscarriage · TV

Fuller House…

Note: This blog post contains spoilers for “Fuller House” episode 5.  If you’re not at ep 5 yet, don’t read this!

I always loved “Full House”.  I don’t know why.  It was cheesy, campy and there was lots and lots of hugging.  When I think about it now, maybe the reason that I liked that show so much was because I wanted my childhood to be like that.  It wasn’t.  That’s a (much longer) blog post for another day.

I’m only through episode 5.  There have been two times this show has made me cry so far.  The first is in the pilot when D.J. is comforting baby Tommy and she says “I’ve had a hard day, too.”  The second was at the end of episode 5.  After missing Max’s recital, Stephanie feels bad and comes home early despite having the chance to tour as a DJ (her job now, she’s DJ Tanner).  At that time, she confesses to the real D.J. that she is unable to have children.  My heart broke.  We’re led to believe that Stephanie didn’t want to have children.  That her jet-setting partying lifestyle didn’t lend itself to room for children.  That it was her choice.  In this episode, we learn that maybe it wasn’t her choice.  Maybe she continued on with her lifestyle because that was her way of coping.  At this point her sister says, “My kids are your kids”.  Staying true to the “Full House” theme that “It takes a village”.  So many tears!

I’m not gonna lie.  (It’s my blog.  Why would I lie?)  TV makes me cry ALL the time.  However, this episode really hit home.  Why?  At the moment I have no known fertility issues (aside from the minor issues of low EWCM and shortish LP).  However, since my miscarriage (see here), I’ve always always had a fear in the back of my mind that I can’t have kids.  Maybe this is silly because I CAN get pregnant, obviously.  After all, I know I ovulate (that’s the most important thing), and everything else seems fine (fingers crossed).  I also know that something was wrong with that baby.  That’s why I miscarried.  Because of this fear, I went for many many years saying: “I don’t want kids”.  This was before I met my husband, my soulmate, my lobster, my sun and stars.  I now know I never wanted kids before because I didn’t have anyone who I wanted to raise children with.  Now I do.  I honestly thought I’d never get married.  I thought I’d be a perpetual old maid.  I guess the PTB had different plans for me.  Honestly, I’m glad they did.

I know I shouldn’t have such fears but they sometimes surface.  I have to tell myself that I am doing my best at this time with what information I have, and we are doing everything we can now to give us our best possible chance.  I will stay positive.  I will also enjoy our overnight trip.

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