Life

Anger…

I don’t think I had a happy childhood.  I was well taken care of financially.  I didn’t want for anything.  We had clothes, a nice house, good food to eat, and (except for a short time) I always had my own room.  Material wise, I was taken care of.

My dad never went to college.  My mom was always the breadwinner of the family.  My dad worked many different jobs.  He worked construction.  He was a truck driver.  He had his own catering business.  He was a chef.  My mom only had the one job, her career.  Her career, however, kept her away from her family.  She often worked long hours.  My dad was home a lot of the time.  He wasn’t a great parent.  My sister and I were spanked for our transgressions.  We were made to stand in the corner.  It was humiliating.

My dad was an alcoholic while I was growing up.  One time, my mom left him.  We stayed in a hotel.  My sister and I were dragged to counseling sessions with my parents.  My parents should have divorced, but for reasons I’ll probably never know, they stayed together until I was 27.  My mom could have supported the family without my dad.  I’m sure she did most of that anyway.  My worst memory of my childhood revolves around my father and alcohol.  I’m sure he had been drinking.  My sister and I were playing original Nintendo.  I’m not sure what game, but like siblings do, we began to fight over whose turn it was.  My dad ripped the console from the wall and threw it to the ground, shattering it.  This was the worst memory of my childhood not because of what happened to our stuff but because I was so terrified of the anger surrounding this action.  I’m certain my dad could have handled this situation better.  I don’t have many memories of my childhood.  It makes me sad to think that most of the memories I do have are unhappy ones.

Like the anger my father possesses, my sister and I both display anger in our personalities. I feel like about 90% of the time, I am able to keep it at bay.  When I have bursts, I usually scream out loud.  This, I feel, prevents me from doing any physical damage to any objects or people.  My sister, on the other hand, is able to keep her anger at bay only about 40 – 60% of the time.  She recently kicked a hole in her wall.  When she is angry, she is cruel.  Countless times, she’s been really awful to me and has (emotionally) hurt me time and again.  I forgive her because she is my sister.  She’s the only one I have.

My sister has a baby; she’s 1 and a half.  My sister believes in attachment parenting.  After careful discussion, I was glad to find that my husband is of the same mind as me.  We will not be practicing attachment parenting.  Agree or disagree with me (I don’t particularly care and feel free to parent your children as you wish), but I believe attachment parenting does not create independent children.  As much as my niece tries to be independent, she always needs to be near my sister and has fits of crying when she is not around her.  This happened when my sister tried to put her in daycare.

Yesterday, my niece didn’t nap, so at the dinner restaurant she was very fussy.  Both my mom and I tried to help, but ultimately, my niece didn’t want either of us.  It was obvious my sister was angry at the situation.  She left the restaurant without saying anything to my mom or me, not even goodbye.  That was the last I spoke to her that night.  I had asked her previously if she was coming to the airport.  She had confirmed nothing.  No plans were made.

This morning, I messaged her saying we were making a quick stop and then going to the airport.  Would she be joining us?  She called us furious.  She said that we didn’t get dry shampoo (something we had talked about but never officially decided on a day or time to buy).  She had assumed she would be riding with us, but my mom had to go in to work after dropping me off at the airport, so if she was coming, she would have to drive herself.  This is what she did last time because of the baby, so I assumed she would be doing it again.  We tried to calmly rationalize with her, but she hung up on us.  When we got to the airport, I went to message her and found she had deleted her Facebook.  I called her and left a message, again expressing my thanks and that I was sorry she didn’t want to come and that I love her.

Sitting at the table talking to my mom afterward, I started to cry.  This whole situation made me sad.  I said this is why I feel like I don’t want to come here.  I realized after that this was a horrible thing to say especially to my mom, and I felt like such a terrible person after I said it.  I explained that being around my sister when she is like this makes me unhappy (not that coming home to see my mom does).  I am certain that if I was TTC and I still lived in my hometown, that I would be unsuccessful because of the stress of being around my family.  When I said I didn’t want to go back to my hometown, I feel like I really meant that.  Every time I’ve been there, I feel so depressed.  I hate being around my angry sister, my aloof mother and disinterested father, and I can’t stand being without my husband.  This trip was especially difficult because I couldn’t sleep which means I couldn’t temp and even though it is early in my cycle, I was so stressed out about it.

Needless to say, I am not keen on traveling without my husband especially to The States anytime soon.  If you read all this, thanks.  I know if was long but this has been weighing on me all day, and I had to get it out.

 

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