Life

Today was a bad day…

Today two Japanese people have apologized for being in my way.  This is odd.  Japanese people NEVER apologize to me.  I’m usually the one apologizing to them (even if they were in the wrong).  Perhaps Japan is being kind to me because I had a rather rough morning.

I have a dog.  I rescued her from a breeder (with the assistance of an animal shelter here).  She’s very sweet and loving.  She never barks or whines.  Aside from some potty training difficulties we had when I first got her, she’s very well-behaved.  Suddenly (within the last 6 months) she’s developed food aggression.  If you go near her while she’s eating, she’ll growl and snap and get very aggressive and angry.  No other time does she act like this and neither me nor my husband have ever taken her food away from her, so I’m baffled as to why she started behaving this way suddenly.  Maybe repressed feelings from her time at the breeder’s?  Of course, I took to my trusted internet looking for a solution to this problem because I’m terrified she will harm our future children and giving her up is not an option.  There’s lots of advice on how to tame food aggression such as: teach her to sit, sit by her while she’s eating, feed her after walking her, hand feed her (probably the most ballsy thing on this list), make sure the Alpha eats first, and feed her at the same time every day.  All of these I’ve done and instead of getting better she just seems to get worse.

This morning I was running a little late and didn’t have time to sit with her so my husband said he would do it.  Well, she wasn’t eating and she became more and more aggressive every time I approached.  I wrestled her into her crate while she was trying to bite me all the while she was growling, but there she finished eating.  After she finished eating, she was still in aggressive mode and wouldn’t listen to my commands.  This usually doesn’t happen.  Usually after she’s finished, she switches right off.  I couldn’t deal with her anymore because I had to finish getting ready and I couldn’t handle her unwarranted behavior.  I just lost it.  I cried off the makeup I had just put on.  Literally sobbing about how much things totally suck, my dog’s food aggression, going back to work after vacation, TTC and not getting pregnant, everything in that moment looked like utter shit.

Of course, every website says stop stressing.  You won’t get pregnant if you have too much stress.  Less stress!  So you can imagine what’s in my head every time I have an ounce of stress.  I feel like such a failure so many times over.  I can’t even rid my life of stress.

But why am I a failure?  Despite timing tings so perfectly (ON OVULATION DAY) I can’t seem to get pregnant.  It’s not my husband’s fault.  His sperm is perfect as well we know.  What’s wrong with me?  What’s going on up in there?  Is there something wrong with my eggs?  Are they rotten?  Are they too old?  Is there something wrong with my tubes?  Some blockage?  Is there something wrong with my uterine lining?  Too thin?  Too thick?  Is nothing wrong?  Not even doctors could explain it?  Listen PTB it’s not my fault!  You chose to send my soulmate to me at the wrong time!  You should have sent him to me earlier!  My husband’s done so many things for me.  Please just let me do this one thing for him.  I don’t have money.  I can’t buy him fancy clothes or shoes or gadgets or toys.  I can only make, create and grow things for him.  Please let me grow this one big thing for him.  I can’t even type this without crying.  I know my heart is big enough to share my love with a family.  Neither of our families are very big.  Let me help make them bigger.

I feel super emotional now and I have a sinking feeling it’s because that ugly red demon is on her way.  Since that awesome random spike my temperature has been creeping slowly down.  It’s still high.  It’s still well above my cover line.  I don’t know.  I just feel like this is not what’s supposed to happen when you get pregnant.  If anything, isn’t your temperature supposed to increase not decrease?  I had said I would test again at 12DPO.  That’s tomorrow.  I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it.  I don’t know if I want the disappointment again.  I guess I can’t decide right now.  I’ll decide when I look at my temp tomorrow.

I just feel so down in the dumps right now.  I know I’ve got no reason to.  It’s just that TTC is such an emotional roller coaster and right now I’m definitely in the valley.  I hope there’s a peak tomorrow (in more ways than one).

I don’t know how women do this month after month, year after year and get one BFN after another.  I don’t even know how to do this for three months without crying a lot.  Super sucking at life right now.  I fell to tears like 5 times today, fortunately everyone is too busy at work right now and no one noticed.  I can’t even type anything anymore.  I feel so down.  I don’t even know if putting this out there will get these feelings out of me, but I’m hoping it will because I don’t want these awful sad feelings anymore.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bury myself in blankets.

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