Yesterday (well this whole week if we’re being honest) was really busy. On my way home, I casually opened Facebook to kill some time. Facebook has this thing where they like to default the most popular posts to the top of the page. I find this annoying and like to see new stories first. However, I didn’t do that yesterday and happened upon a pregnancy announcement. They are a beautiful couple very much in love, well-liked, generally good people, and lesbians, so I know their pregnancy wasn’t easy to come by. I tried so hard to be happy for them, but even today I still feel an aching. I know as a basis for comparison we haven’t been trying long. I never thought I would want this so much. I feel like such a horrible person for feeling this way.
This made me think of social media. When the time comes, I’m kind of feeling like I don’t want to do a pregnancy announcement because I know there will be women in the shadows who will be saddened seeing such a thing even if they click “like”. I know for a fact one of my FB friends has wanted kids for a very long time. She’s been married much longer than I have and still no kids. I think that she might have trouble conceiving. Aside from those overdramatic folks (you know the ones), social media only tells one side of the story (usually a happy side). And that’s our right as SNS users (to show the world the best of ourselves). Wouldn’t want Mom to worry after all. I don’t need to air my troubles on FB that’s why I have this blog, but I also hate being constantly reminded of what I don’t yet have. I’m reminded every time my temperature drops and AF drops by. I’m reminded when I’m cramping. I’m reminded every time I look at my past charts. I’m reminded every time I take a handful of supplements. I’m reminded when I see one BFP on Kindara after another. I’m reminded when people post pregnancy pics, BFP sticks, or ultrasounds on SNS. I’m reminded when I read something about “advanced maternal age”. I’m reminded every time a celebrity gives birth, posts a pic of a baby bump, or strolls down the red carpet blissfully pregnant. Bottom line is I am constantly reminded. I don’t want anymore reminders. I want to be pregnant yesterday. My heart aches for this thing. I never thought it would so much but it does so much.