Heart aches…

Yesterday (well this whole week if we’re being honest) was really busy.  On my way home, I casually opened Facebook to kill some time.  Facebook has this thing where they like to default the most popular posts to the top of the page.  I find this annoying and like to see new stories first.  However, I didn’t do that yesterday and happened upon a pregnancy announcement.  They are a beautiful couple very much in love, well-liked, generally good people, and lesbians, so I know their pregnancy wasn’t easy to come by.  I tried so hard to be happy for them, but even today I still feel an aching.  I know as a basis for comparison we haven’t been trying long.  I never thought I would want this so much.  I feel like such a horrible person for feeling this way.

This made me think of social media.  When the time comes, I’m kind of feeling like I don’t want to do a pregnancy announcement because I know there will be women in the shadows who will be saddened seeing such a thing even if they click “like”.  I know for a fact one of my FB friends has wanted kids for a very long time.  She’s been married much longer than I have and still no kids.  I think that she might have trouble conceiving.  Aside from those overdramatic folks (you know the ones), social media only tells one side of the story (usually a happy side).  And that’s our right as SNS users (to show the world the best of ourselves).  Wouldn’t want Mom to worry after all.  I don’t need to air my troubles on FB that’s why I have this blog, but I also hate being constantly reminded of what I don’t yet have.  I’m reminded every time my temperature drops and AF drops by.  I’m reminded when I’m cramping.  I’m reminded every time I look at my past charts.  I’m reminded every time I take a handful of supplements.  I’m reminded when I see one BFP on Kindara after another.  I’m reminded when people post pregnancy pics, BFP sticks, or ultrasounds on SNS.  I’m reminded when I read something about “advanced maternal age”.  I’m reminded every time a celebrity gives birth, posts a pic of a baby bump, or strolls down the red carpet blissfully pregnant.  Bottom line is I am constantly reminded.  I don’t want anymore reminders.  I want to be pregnant yesterday.  My heart aches for this thing.  I never thought it would so much but it does so much.

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