Life

Today…

No babies today.  No pregnant woman today please.  No more BFPs.  No more baby announcements, gender reveals, pregnancy announcements.  I can’t handle any more babies today.  I had the worst day today.  Today my temp to a huge nose dive which means AF is on her way.  This morning I was ok.  I was too busy to bother with it.  This afternoon something happened at work.  Basically some youngers* were really awful to me which sent me back to my desk where I erupted into tears in front of my boss, coworker, and the new girl (who probably thinks I’m nuts)**.  After they left to finish their work, I was alone and I just sobbed for a little while.  Last year some things at work happened.  I was shifted around much to my protests.  I was unhappy.  People also said nasty, untrue things about me because they thought I made their job more difficult.  I did not.  It seems like every time I find a place I’m happy, the PTB quickly finds a way to make me unhappy there.  Since that time last year, I dreaded going to work.  I had to force myself out the door more than once.  I had to talk myself down from the metaphorical ledge time and again.

Sunday night I was whining about returning to work after Golden Week (a week long holiday in Japan).  My husband said “Maybe you won’t have to work because maybe soon you’ll be pregnant.”  My heart fluttered.  I had a moment of hope where I thought, “He may be be right.  Maybe I am already pregnant.”  I wasn’t.  I’m not.  To be honest, I wasn’t feeling it this cycle (PG that is).  Nothing felt different.  Nothing looked different.  My chart has been erratic (probably due to travel).  Nothing signaled pregnancy.

I wonder if the monthly disappointment gets any easier.  Does the sadness lessen?  Does the hope subside?  Is it replaced with a jaded feeling of “how much longer do we have to wait?”  I don’t want to lose hope, but I also don’t want to be disappointed month after month.  I worry about so many things which might make me the reason I’m not PG yet.  Am I too fat?  Are my tubes blocked?  Is something wrong with my eggs?  Is there something wrong with my uterine lining?  Do I not have enough progesterone?  What’s happening in there?

It’s half past 9.  I don’t want to internet anymore.  I don’t want to Kindara anymore.  I just want to sleep.  I know it’s early ,but I don’t want this day to be here anymore.  I don’t want to cry anymore today.  I just want to close my eyes and wake up and start again.  New day.  New chart.  New chance.  Goodbye to our forth try (I know it’s not so long, but that doesn’t mean I want it any less).  Goodnight to this horrid day.  I hope next cycle is the one.  I hope I can give my husband the best present for Father’s Day.

*FYI: I totally know “youngers” isn’t a word, but I like it.  It’s a good way to describe people younger than me.  Way better than youngsters because I’m not 75.

**However, I feel the need to mention that we only have a new girl because her predecessor suffered a psychotic break.  No joke.  My work literally makes people crazy.

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