I’m feeling a little better physically. I spoke to my doula and she recommended quitting some supplements that might be making me ill. I backed off last night and didn’t take the ones she said not to today. I still have the diarrhea albeit not as bad as yesterday. I ate breakfast this morning (yummy waffles), but I couldn’t finish all of it. I felt a bit bad being a waffle failure.
In other news, the hubs and I had quite the disagreement this morning. We were getting ready to see Deadpool, and I while I was getting dressed I said “I’m going to get another tattoo.”
I have amassed a decent collection of rather large permanent art pieces which I happen to carry around on my skin. Since I have lived in Japan I have not gotten a tattoo although I HAVE wanted one and even went so far as to have one designed for me. The artist blew me off, and I kept bugging him, so he sent me the shittiest drawing I’ve ever seen in my life. Needles to say I tossed that idea out the window. All this means that the entire time I’ve known him, my husband has known about my artwork and, of course, has seen my artwork. Come on we’re trying to have a baby here. Of course, he’s seen it. Many times in our relationship I’ve asked him if he or his father would be bothered by my tattoos. He said “no problem” every time. One time we went to a family dinner with his aunt who is like 100, and he asked that I cover them because she might not be as accepting. I was happy to oblige. That was the only time in the course of our relationship that’s he’s asked me to hide them. Today when I said that, he said no and I laughed it off joking he should get on too, a big oni (demon) or koi fish on his back. However, when I went to get him for the movie, he had become incredibly mopey. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was sad. He said I didn’t need another tattoo. (Of course, I don’t. Nor does he need another pair of Italian shoes, but you don’t hear me saying anything about it.) I expressed concern as to how pregnancy would change my body, and how I was unable to control those changes. I said I can control what tattoo to put on my body. He misunderstood me thinking I didn’t want to have a baby. I said that I did. My feelings haven’t changed. I don’t understand why he is being like this. I am the same person I’ve always been. My heart, my insides haven’t changed. Isn’t that the person he loves? He further went on to say that he was holding on to hope that in the future I would decide to get them removed. He actually said that. I was shocked, upset, and angry. I had never once even indicated that that would be something I would do. I would never do that. Why would I want to remove pieces of me? Furthermore, apparently he’s felt this way our entire relationship, and he’s never told me this.
In Japanese culture tattoos are stigmatized because of their historical association with the yakuza (Japanese gangsters). In Japan, people with tattoos are banned from public baths, gyms, swimming pools, etc. These bans have always been an attempt to keep yakuza out of their establishments, but as Japanese pushes to become more global these bans keep out foreigners too. Further adding to the separation many foreigners feel living in Japan. In modern Japan, tattoos have become a bit more socially acceptable, and many young Japanese people have gotten small tattoos. Change comes at the speed of an iceberg to Japan, and while Japan has designs to change, to be more global, oftentimes they can’t escape their archaic mindset.
Back to what happened.
I’m crying. I’m hurt. I tell him that I feel like he doesn’t accept me and love me for the person that I am. I don’t understand how my husband who has traveled to many different countries around the world including America where tattoos are very prevalent, my husband who speaks another language, my husband who married a foreign girl who likes to say “fuck” could feel this way. I’ve always thought he had a more progressive mindset. He says he doesn’t want our child to get tattoos. Well, I don’t want our children to get tattoos either but when our children are adults they can do whatever they want, and we cannot control their lives. He also said that he’s worried that I am unhappy with our life. What? I never said that. I have always loved our life and him. He ended it saying he would “try to understand your tattoos but not now”. Whatever the fuck that means. Also, now that I think about it he’s never once asked me to explain in depth why I got what I got.
My best friend, Naru, and I spoke on Friday and I expressed fears that I might be going through my midlife crisis. If this is indeed my midlife crisis not counting the length of the crisis itself I’ll live to be at least 72. That sounds old to me, but after that I was convinced that this is, in fact, my midlife crisis, but instead of dating a younger woman and buying a corvette, I want to have a baby, write a novel, and get more tattoos. Sounds about right. If we want to start even earlier than now, we can say my midlife crisis has been ongoing since I decided to move to Japan which was 4 years ago. This seems to be the pinnacle of the crisis.
Anyway Prince Endymion is currently locked in his office as per usual when we argue even though I told him to leave the house and think about accepting me for the person I am. In all honesty he reminds me more of the original Sailor Moon’s Darien/Mamoru when he acts acts like this. Sigh.