Japan · Life · Miscarriage

17DPO…

If you’re just joining us for the WTF Is Happening Chronicles, I’ll attempt to bring you up to speed.

I’m currently at 17DPO.  We all know from our readings that an LP can be at max 16 days, therefore an LP of 17 or more days means pregnant.  Now I know what you’re thinking.  Are you sure you ovulated?  Did you mark your temp shift correctly.  Well, see for yourself:

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Note: All the temperatures in blue are accurate readings.  They have not been adjusted.  They were all taken at the same time.  The gray temperatures were questionable due to poor sleep and/or alcohol.  Now since CD19 was questionable, I COULD have had a temp shift on that day as opposed to CD20.  This would then make me 18DPO which is more than not less than.  My charts have followed a consistent pattern of low temps in the follicular phase, a temp shift, and (somewhat) high temps in the luteal phase.  There is no doubt in my mind that I ovulated, and if I marked the temp shift wrong it makes the LP longer not shorter.  Therefore a 17 or 18 day LP means pregnant.  Now we all know from this post that (at the time of the posting) I had taken PG tests on 13, 14, and 15DPO.  On 15DPO I took a PG test in the early evening after work, and it was still a faint positive.  Here’s some pictures for your viewing pleasure:

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Back to our knowledge, we all know a PG test line is supposed to get darker as hCG increases (it doubles every 48 – 72 hours), so if I had a faint positive on 13DPO, my tests on 15DPO should have been darker.  They never got darker.  As well you know from this post on 16DPO I had a negative pregnancy test.  Even after letting that thing sit for hours, a line never appeared.

I spoke to my doula.  She said either chemical or ectopic pregnancy.  Note to everyone in the whole world ever: don’t google ectopic pregnancy symptoms.  You might as well be convinced you’re dying.

Note: Humor is how I tend to deal with difficult situations in my life, so while this may appear like I DGAF, I’m actually using humor as a coping mechanism.  Cool?

Cool alright this fucking sucks a bag of dicktips (thanks Deadpool!), but let’s start the fucking bloodbath so I can cry for a while and then get the fuck on with my life.  On 16DPO my temp dropped to 36.50.  Awesome.  It’ll start any minute now.  It didn’t.  (It being the bloodbath.)  Okay, well maybe overnight then?  Meanwhile, I started feeling an aching on my right side.  Not intense.  Like period cramps.  When I woke up this morning my temp was 36.60.  Well that’s not supposed to happen.  It’s supposed to drop more, right?  And then the bloodbath.  Right?

Rewind.  Shit.  Back this dump truck up.  Last night I got angry at some stupid shit around the house.  That anger quickly turned to tears which quickly turned into a fight with my husband.  I said I needed some comfort, and he said that he didn’t want me to suffer by TTC, and I took that as he didn’t want to have babies and there was a whole ugly shouting mess.  So there was a fight and some really ugly crying on my part (that would have made Claire Danes proud).  I think many Japanese people suck at comforting others because they are not allowed to show their emotions anywhere.  They just bottle bottle bottle until sometimes it breaks some of them and they throw themselves in front of a train (I wish I were kidding about this one, but many Japanese suicides are caused by an inability to cope with their life and their problems).  I don’t operate that way especially with my husband, and in the time we’ve been together he’s been better about not bottling, but sometimes he will resort to his old ways.  He’ll just crawl up inside himself, and I can’t reach him no matter how hard I try.  That’s was happened last night.  It was ugly and messy, and all the while I felt so much anger at my current situation, and the lack of concern from my husband that I (and I told him this) that I wanted to punch a wall or throw or break something.  I really felt like knocking over the stupid TV.  I didn’t do any of those things though.  Points for me for keeping my anger in check.  He also said he didn’t understand the test I showed him initially.  Even though I explained a line means PG.  You can’t be sort of PG.  You either are or you aren’t.  Except in my current case.  WTF am I?  I was then I wasn’t?

Are you with me still?

For the TLDR people:

  1. Don’t know if I’m PG or not, but probably no.
  2. Tests: +, +, +, +, –
  3. WTF??????
  4. Thought I’d miscarry.  Chemical?
  5. Cried about it already.
  6. Got into a fight with my husband.

This should bring you up to speed.  Here we are on 17DPO.  I’ve been treading lightly fearful that any minute blood might come gushing down my leg (ok that’s a bit of an exaggeration but you know what I mean).  I have soreness down my right side but mostly lower back and butt.  The soreness feels like it’s the day after I lifted something heavy.  I am not bleeding.  I have lots of creamy CM though.  I don’t know what t think or how to feel.  I had often thought that I’d rather have a negative PG test than miscarry, but I think this situation takes the cake as far as being the worst thing a person TTC can experience.  This not knowing is making me sick with worry.

Tomorrow is my last day of work for the week, so I have a plan.  If nothing happens tomorrow or Friday morning, I’ll go to my acupuncturist as normal on Friday evening.  I’ll explain to him the situation, and see if there is anything he can do.  Meanwhile, my husband is going to make an appointment at the hospital for me for Saturday.  I want to go to a place where someone can explain what’s happening to me in English and I want my husband there with me.

Today on my commute I listened to Mitch Hedberg which put a smile on my face.  I have some Lenore comics for tonight, and a Stephen King book to finish reading.  I have my distractions all lined up and ready to go.  I’m gonna try not to think about it and make a plea to the PTB that they speed this situation up a bit.  I literally do not care what the outcome is as long as I have some answers.  Knowing something even if it’s bad news is worlds better than the vast nothingness I’m currently drifting through.  If you read this all, thank you.  If you can, please keep me in your thoughts and (if you do believe) please keep me in your prayers.  Meanwhile, I will try my best to stay strong and let nature run its course whichever way it wants to run at this point is fine.  I know I have no control over what happens, so I will do my best with what the world throws at me.

Thank you for all your support,
Princess Serenity

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