I am a girl generally weighted too heavily to one side. I search for balance in my life, in this world. More often than not, I don’t find it, and I remain helplessly unbalanced. Putting too much of me, of my soul into one scale while the other one flaps in the wind hopelessly empty. This has been my curse my entire life. While sometimes I am able to achieve balance, most of the time I am not very balanced and my life is rocky and unstable.
Right now I am in a tumultuous state of imbalance. I keep taking things out of one scale and discarding them. Meanwhile, my mooning mind keeps finding other things to place in the other scale, the one that is so full of beautiful distractions that it practically touches the ground and contains a mountain of things that it can hardly hold anything else.
My heart and soul are currently in turmoil, but there are some things I know.
- I love my husband. I always have and always will. Nothing can change that.
- But TTC has put a strain on us and we often are troubled each in our own way.
- I want to have his beautiful baby but the thought of my life being so completely uprooted scares me to death. I don’t want to lose my sense of self. My ME which is so important to my well-being.
- I’m also scared that I’ll do everything alone as my husband will be at work all the time.
- While there are certain things I don’t like (hey, isn’t that everyone), I generally love my life and change is a terrifying thing.
- I decided at the moment that I don’t want to go through IUI or IVF and I want to leave everything in the hands of the PTB.
- I love charting, and I’ll probably do it for as long as I need to.
- I’m scared some of my friends will vanish once I become PG, and I hate to say this but I know you’re probably thinking the same thing as me. Maybe they were not my friends anyway. However, a lot of our celebrations revolve around alcohol (thus is the culture of Japan) and what can I bring to the celebrations if that is removed?
- I am afraid I’m a selfish person and though I do care about others, I tend to care about myself more. Should selfish people even have children?
- I want more tattoos! I can’t get those whilst PG.
So there maybe you can see why my balance is off. A lot of these points contradict one another. My heart hurts, my soul is tired, and I need some sort of escape. My mind has been on vacation for month, and it’s been rough sailing this past month. There have been fears and tears and though I think the boat will sink, I keep sailing on. I suppose that in life that’s all any of us can do.