Life ebbs and flows.  Sometimes I am here.  Most times these days I am miles away.  Unfortunately, I do not exist in the novel.  My mind is elsewhere.  Plagued by thoughts I can’t help but think, but I think them anyway.  I am bored.  I am restless.  I am lonely.  I am alone.  I am sad.  I am worried.  I am happy.  I am content.  I want to live in the moment, but I worry about the future.  Where will I be if not here in the same place I am now?  What will be different?  What will be more difficult?  What piece of me can I hold onto?  Will I lose myself?

My heart beats hard during the TWW.  I can feel it pounding as if it’s trying to break free.  I can’t fall asleep as my mind drifts to a hundred different places that it didn’t need to visit in the first place.  I don’t welcome change with open arms.  Instead I cower or dodge any change that tries to land in my life, my life I’m content to lead.  But I think about the past.  I visit the girl I was.  I think that girl is foolish and stupid but also carefree and interesting.  I think about the future.  What words will describe me then?  Only mom?  Will people still say funny?  Will people say fun?  Will people say interesting?  Or only mom?  I am and always have been many things.  I don’t want to be cannot be placed into one kind of box.  I wear many hats.  I don’t want to pack away those hats and replace them with a baby carrier.  I want to meet my future children, but I don’t want to meet them at the expense of me.  I want to integrate them into my world.  Show them the things I love.  Teach them what I see to be beautiful and watch them grow and flourish and find things of their own that they find beautiful, things of their own to love.

I think about so many things all the time.  My mind overflows with thoughts, and I don’t know where to put them.  I want to be content, but I am burdened.  My mind is heavy.  And I am tired.

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