Life ebbs and flows. Sometimes I am here. Most times these days I am miles away. Unfortunately, I do not exist in the novel. My mind is elsewhere. Plagued by thoughts I can’t help but think, but I think them anyway. I am bored. I am restless. I am lonely. I am alone. I am sad. I am worried. I am happy. I am content. I want to live in the moment, but I worry about the future. Where will I be if not here in the same place I am now? What will be different? What will be more difficult? What piece of me can I hold onto? Will I lose myself?
My heart beats hard during the TWW. I can feel it pounding as if it’s trying to break free. I can’t fall asleep as my mind drifts to a hundred different places that it didn’t need to visit in the first place. I don’t welcome change with open arms. Instead I cower or dodge any change that tries to land in my life, my life I’m content to lead. But I think about the past. I visit the girl I was. I think that girl is foolish and stupid but also carefree and interesting. I think about the future. What words will describe me then? Only mom? Will people still say funny? Will people say fun? Will people say interesting? Or only mom? I am and always have been many things. I
don’t want to be cannot be placed into one kind of box. I wear many hats. I don’t want to pack away those hats and replace them with a baby carrier. I want to meet my future children, but I don’t want to meet them at the expense of me. I want to integrate them into my world. Show them the things I love. Teach them what I see to be beautiful and watch them grow and flourish and find things of their own that they find beautiful, things of their own to love.
I think about so many things all the time. My mind overflows with thoughts, and I don’t know where to put them. I want to be content, but I am burdened. My mind is heavy. And I am tired.