Current mood: F this S…

If those letters don’t give you an absolute clue as to how I’m feeling then I don’t know what else to say.

I can sew.  I’m not an expert, but I do okay.  I just finished cutting out a pattern my mom sent me to make for my niece.  Truth be told I didn’t want to do it, but I’m not gonna tell my mom no when she works a million hours a week and wants to do it herself but doesn’t have the time.  Anyway, I’m cutting out this tiny tiny pattern and I’m thinking to myself this fucking sucks.  I’m making this little romper for not my own child but for my sister’s child who I never see because she lives in America.  Meanwhile, my sister is constantly complaining about being a single mother and how hard it is and how no one ever helps her (not true by the way).  She chose to exclude the father from their lives.  She also told me before she ever got pregnant that she wanted a baby so badly because she was so lonely and just needed a sperm donor.  Meanwhile, Prince Endymion and I are over here on our 7th month of trying.  While, our marriage isn’t perfect (hey, whose is right?), we love each other and work hard at our marriage and would both love and care for a baby were one allotted to us by the PTB (and by the way that doesn’t mean briefly given and then taken away, PTB).  So yeah, I don’t want to make this romper and life isn’t fucking fair.

Things are fine now, but this weekend was a steaming pile of shit.  Friday most of the day was fine until Prince Endymion got home and we got into it.  The argument carried over into Saturday and I had to clean it up because I was meeting a friend who was only in Japan for a short time.  Nothing was resolved so I put on my best fake brave face and hung out with her for a little while.  Fast forward to sitting in a roach infested izakaya and I’m crying with another friend about it when I didn’t even wanna talk about it to begin with but just drink my face off.  Fast forward to this friend getting screaming angry at me because she thought I wasn’t listening to her because I though she was finished talking, and I picked up my phone to text my husband.  More crying from me and she started crying too.  It was an absolute shit show of a day, and I want to forget all that ever happened which is why I’m putting it here.  When I came home, the prince wasn’t home, so I cleaned myself up and waited for him.  When he finally came home, I sobbed into his arms while he hugged me tightly, and just like that everything was back to normal.

We spent this morning planning our vacation which happens in T-minus 24 hours!  We’re going to Okinawa which is exciting because it’s my first time there.  Plus, vacation means no responsibilities.  However, I’m quickly approaching day 20 of my cycle and still no Ov yet.  I took yet another OPK as I’ve done for the past 10 days hoping my Ov is up and coming.  I’ve had cramping on my right side which usually means Ov is coming soon.  I had really thought today’s test would be positive since the last two cycles Ov was around this time.  Now, I don’t know what to do.  I want to enjoy our vacation, but I don’t want to miss Ov, but also I don’t think I’ll have time to be taking OPK.  I probably won’t bring to tests just the thermometer.  Anyway, there’s still tomorrow’s temperature to consider.  Sigh.  Seven months TTC and it’s not gotten any easier or any more fun.  I’m so tired of waiting already.  I hope I’ll have some Ov news for you soon.  Fingers crossed for me.  Also, fuck this shit.

Princess Serenity

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