Japan · Life

Life throws curve balls…

Beware I’m using a lot of sarcasm in this post.  Call it a coping mechanism.

Hey, what’s up?  How are you?  Me?  I’m fucking fantastic.  Why, you ask?  Well, I’m on day 39!  How awesome!  Thirty nine days of a cycle and no ovulation to speak of.  Fuck this unbelievable bullshit.

My mom goes: “Maybe you’re pregnant!”

I didn’t know PG women have a period.  I also didn’t know PG women have disgustingly low temperatures.  Or have negative pregnancy tests.  Oh right, they don’t.

I’m calling this cycle a bust.  I didn’t take an OPK two days ago, yesterday, and not one today either.  Why bother?  Why do any more TTC this cycle as it’s obvious my body is not interested in having a baby right now.

Truth be told I’m on the verge of tears.  A lot of things have happened this week.  A lot of decisions have been made and our future is heading in a direction I didn’t expect.

The longer we try to have a baby the more I start to believe that it’s not in the cards for us.  Things will be going great.  We’ll be so in love.  Everything will be sunshine and roses, and then suddenly I’m yelling and cussing, and he’s shut down and ignoring me locked in his office.  I love the prince so much, but I swear to everything he makes me wanna pull out my hair some days.  I think how can I take care of him (an adult baby) and an actual baby?  I fell like I couldn’t.  So the PTB gives me difficulty TTC, and then they give me a chemical and now they’ve decided I need the longest fucking cycle I’ve ever had.  I can’t win.  I don’t even wanna try anymore.  Each time, each cycle that ends with a period is just yet another disappointment, more tears, more heartbreak.

So the PTB decided to throw something our way.  A wrench in our proverbial happy life.  My husband got transferred, so we’re moving away from the only home I’ve ever known in Japan and we’re heading near his family home.  I have so many mixed feelings; I’m a metaphorical roller coaster.  I’m excited to find a new home, to make it our own, to have a new set up, a new neighborhood to explore.  I am beyond devastated to leave my friends.  I spent the last year solidifying friendships with some really awesome people, and now I have to say farewell.  Since Naru left Japan, I had a hard time making friends, but since I became close with these people, it’s been good.  Life has been good the past year.  This is the second time in my life I’d had to leave everything I know and start anew in a strange place.  I’m guessing it never gets easier.  Especially because I don’t often immediately warm up to people.

Meanwhile, this transfer means I can quit my job which was causing me a lot of stress, but it also means I have no job and therefore no income.  This is really bad for me since I am horrible with money and have virtually no savings.  Granted I can live a very boring life.  I mean Pokémon Go is still free and so is TV.  But it won’t be easy to make friends that way.  At least Pokémon will keep me exercising.

As for TTC, we’ve decided to take a short breather.  Let me explain.  Usually, I go back to America at Christmas.  This year since I’ll not be working, I’m leaving Japan at the end of October and staying until January.  I’ll visit Naru and my cousin in Seattle before heading to my home state.  I’m going to try to work a little while I’m in the US.  I hope I can.  Having money will be nice but I hope I can tolerate my family for that long.  In December, the prince will come to the US to visit.  We decided to try until I leave at the end of October and then start again in December.  Funny when I thought about going home for the holidays, I’d thought I’d be going PG.  Now, I’m talking about taking a break.  I’m not horribly concerned.  It’s only 2 months.

This is not how I thought life would be at this point but life often throws curve balls at you.  Ones you really don’t see coming.  That’s where we are right now.  Life threw a big fucking curve ball at me and shattered my end of the year plans.  In Japanese we say 仕方が無い or more commonly these days is しょうがない which both basically mean: it cannot be helped.   This is our fate.  We must accept it and do our best.  Wish us luck.

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3 thoughts on “Life throws curve balls…

  1. Pink I’ve need to catch up with you. I hate to act all sage-like but here it goes (warning).

    At 52 and 3/4 if there is anything I’ve learned about this screwed up existence of ours it is that, like the Rolling Stones song, ” . . . I get what I need.” I cannot possibly fathom all of the twisting and turning that goes on behind the scenes, outside of my power and knowledge, and therefore what I hope for (and demand of this world) is often misguided. Therefore, the ultra deliberative person that I am, is often WRONG about my own needs in the long run. So Pink, it is ugly right now (or at least super confusing and painful) but there is a better day coming if you don’t spin quite as much. I hope this makes sense, but quite honestly the things I’ve wanted so badly were either not right or not the right timing. Better things inevitably happened when I got out of my own way.

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