Life · Mental Health

Life is being a dick…

Day 84

When will the world stop spinning?  Lately, I’ve had pretty awful stomachaches.  Literally, all weekend and today they’ve plagued me.  I feel pretty bad both physically and mentally.  I’m sitting here typing this, and I’m near tears.  Could I tell you why?  No, not really.  I just feel sad.

Makoto said she’s feeling a bit down lately too.  As far as I know she doesn’t struggle with mental health issues, and I’ve only always seen her so happy, so this was a bit of a shock to me.  She said she’s been fighting with her husband a lot.  Oh boy, can I relate.  I told her I know how she feels.  I feel really bad I can’t be there for her.  Someone said to me that I said I was sorry a lot, but that it’s not my fault.  It’s true.  The prince’s transfer isn’t my fault (as I often remind him).  However, I don’t work well in situations I cannot control, and I have no control over this situation.  It’s left me feeling like the world is spinning off its axis, and I’m trying to grab something and hold on but there’s nothing to grab.  How’s that for a dramatic metaphor?

Today, I tried to have a relaxing day but my anxiety saw things that were not in place and sent my brain spinning.  Before lunch time, I had to hem some curtains and buy some light bulbs.  Tomorrow, I’ll take a walk and see if I can find some white curtains for privacy as I just hemmed the outer darker curtains which unfortunately were not as dark as I had hoped.  This is my life now, you guys.  Everything revolves around our home.  I thought I’d like this kind of life.  I’m having doubts.  I miss working and the wonderful people I used to work with (Nemesis excluded).  I hope I can find a less stressful job in the new year.

Nothing about my life has turned out the way I thought it would.  Isn’t that life though?  I thought I’d be pregnant.  Wrong.  Life says: I have another miscarriage and an offensively long cycle for you!  I thought I’d still be in my old city surrounded by people I love.  Wrong.  Life says: You’re going to a new city and while I will give you a bigger house, you’ll be alone and unemployed.  Life is being a huge dick right now.

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