Japan · Life · Mental Health

Day 90…

Day 90.  That’s the length of 3 cycles.  If things had been normal this would have been month 10 TTC.  Things, however, are not normal.

You know what I’m getting really tired of?  People asking me in I’m PG.  On Kindara during the length of this offensive cycle, I have had I can’t count how many people ask me if I’m PG.  No, I’m not.  My temps are FP low, and PG tests have spit out negatives.  This is how I know I’m not PG.  What I do know is that my body has given up.  I can’t tell you if it has given up indefinitely or just for a short (or fucking long) time.

The more that this cycle wears on, the more time I have to think about it, the more I realize that not having a baby wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.  Prince Endymion would be disappointed.  I may feel regret in the future, but I know it wouldn’t be for lack of trying.  Maybe you think it’s silly to throw in the towel now, but I’m very very tired of this emotional roller coaster.  In fact, this long cycle (once I came to terms with it) has been the best I’ve ever felt about TTC which makes me think maybe I don’t want a baby after all.  Maybe I shut my own body down.  Can that be done?  I don’t know, but I do know that the mind is a powerful thing.  Sigh.  The past 10 months have been the cause of so much anguish, so many tears, and one miscarriage.  It’s not good for a person’s mental health.  Especially a person whose mental health is not the healthiest to begin with.

This week, the prince returns to our previous city.  There he has to introduce the new person (who replaced him) to his clients.  I’ll be sitting in our new city, home alone, and insanely jealous.  I really want to go and he’s all like “you can go.”

“Who’s gonna pay for that?” I asked.

“You can.”

Right.  I’ll pay for that with my 0¥ in savings.

Sigh.

I actually miss working.  Isn’t that weird?  I couldn’t wait to get out of there, but now I wish I was still there.  What’s that they say?  The grass is always greener…

I miss seeing the friendly familiar beautiful faces of Makoto and Motoki (and yes of course they’re beautiful ’cause I ain’t friends with no uglies).  That made me think of another thing.  Beautiful insides make for a beautiful outside.  For example, Nemesis is not bad looking but her insides are pretty ugly, and I have a hard time seeing her as pretty.  Makoto is always radiating sunshine, and so she is as beautiful as a warm sunny day at a white sand beach.  Motoki radiates warmth and comfort.  His personality is like a blanket; you feel safe with Motoki as your friend and that makes him a beautiful person.  Minako is so full of positivity.  She can always see the best in every situation.  This makes her as beautiful as the sound of hearing you’re getting a raise.

I really miss my friends.

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