Last night I had a particularly bad bout of anxiety. I woke up at 3AM having to pee and when I climbed back to bed, I could not fall back asleep. My brain wanted to think. It wanted to think about the past, the future, preparing for my trip to America. It wanted to remind me over and over again how busy I’d be this week. This is how my anxiety manifests. In a constant sometimes overpowering stream of thoughts. These thoughts can sometimes cripple me where I can’t move forward with my day to day activities until I’ve finished something that’s playing like a broken record in my head. It’s agonizing, and I hate feeling this way.
Yesterday was not a good day either. I had planned to make a late lunch/dinner for the prince and I and about the time that it rolled around, I was feeling particularly sick to my stomach. Let me take you back a bit. When we first started TTC, I researched and pumped myself so full of supplements, that I was a walking advertisement for TTC supplements. I could tell you what to take, why to take it, and how it could help your chances of conceiving. One of the supplements my body rejected heavily was Rainbow Light Prenatals 35+. Three pills a day were making me so very sick, and I was having diarrhea every day (sorry TMI but I felt worse than shit on those supplements). Once I recognized those as the culprit, I stopped taking them and went back to One-A-Day. About that time I decided to reevaluate my supplement intake and I cut down what I was taking. Since then the stomachaches and diarrhea have decreased to once or twice a week but they are still there, and I can’t pinpoint what is making me feel bad.
Yesterday, I felt so bad that I didn’t want to eat. This is very weird for me. I love food. I love to eat. I choked down dinner hours after the prince, but I didn’t enjoy any minute of it, and it was the slowest I’ve ever eaten in my life. Last night when I woke up riddled with anxiety, I was also still experiencing stomach pains. Usually the stomachaches abate in the night, and I wake up in the morning feeling much better. This morning I didn’t even want to eat breakfast (special pumpkin spice French toast). I sat there watching my husband eat with no appetite. Later in the morning I had a cry at the city office because he wanted me to go to the doctor by myself (in Japan) and I was already so anxiety ridden with everything I have do before I go to America, this seemed like the proverbial straw that broke my back. You try navigating a doctor’s office in a foreign country where your understanding of the language is not at the medical level. This week it was too much for me. I couldn’t even think about doing it, and we decided rather than put myself through that mental suffering, I should just go to the doctor in America. After all, I had my health check in Japan recently. They did a stool sample. I’m not dying. I just feel really poopy sometimes (literally). The prince told me to stop taking supplements though, and in my current state I’m inclined to agree with him. It’s not like we can have a baby right now anyway.
By lunch time I was feeling a bit weak and empty so we stopped at a soup restaurant, and I put some food in my stomach. The prince took our Small Lady (dog) to a skin doctor to try and diagnose her skin problem and I had a horrible nap while he did that. The walls and windows are so thin in this new apartment that I would be miserable if we were crammed in the middle, but luckily we’re on the top floor. However, when children play downstairs, it sounds like they are in the same room. It’s so loud. At the moment I’m not feeling like eating dinner. I might choke down some crackers and a banana. I may just drink liquids. I’m not feeling great about feeling bad.
I need my life to return to normal but since I’m traveling for two months I doubt that happening in the foreseeable future. At least I can tend to my health in America with minimal stress. Aside from seeing family and friends there’s that to look forward to.