Japan · Life · Mental Health

The busy jumble of my mind…

Last night was particularly horrible.  Less than a week before I go to America and the prince decided to be quite ridiculous.  I heard the TV, so I went to go see if he had hooked up the TV like he was going to do this weekend.  Turns out it was just his iPad.  I then asked him if he would hook up the TV and get rid of the large garbage while I was in America. (In Japan you have to pay to dispose of large garbage and can only put it out at a certain time.)  He said “I’ll try to” which is something he says that I absolutely hate.  It absolves him of any responsibility if he doesn’t get the task done because he can go back and say that he never said he’d do it just that he’d try to do it.  When I called him on that bullshit, he did a dramatic collapse on the couch covering his face like a woman who just fainted from wearing a corset.  I shit you not.  It was the most dramatic fucking thing I’ve ever seen him do in my life.  Then he proceeded to make loud noises in his office looking for the TV manuals, and that’s when the screaming started.

Last night nothing was resolved, so Motoki talked me off the proverbial precipice.  I wanted to know if his wife had been supportive of him.  He said she was because she didn’t want a divorce even though he feared it may happen.  I swear that Motoki and I are cut from the same cloth.  I think Endymion can be supportive at times but many times he isn’t, and I am afraid he’ll leave me at times (more so in the past than now).  Motoki also said that even though his wife is supportive, she’ll never fully understand.  Perhaps that’s where my fault lies (in trying too hard to make Endymion understand something he can never understand).  Perhaps I should seek comfort in those who can understand and insure that Endymion remains supportive.

It’s so hard.  Every day I fight with the thoughts in my head.  For example, today I couldn’t find my luggage scale.  My brain kept going back to luggage scale.  Even if I started another task, I couldn’t stop thinking about the luggage scale.  My brain refused to rest until I found the luggage scale.  Fortunately, I found it in literally the last place I looked.  I was about to give up and order another one on Amazon.  Anything to suspend the thoughts of “luggage scale”.

I told Motoki that I just want the world to be quiet sometimes.  By that I meant, I just want my brain to be quiet.  There are some ways I try to quiet my brain.  I distract it by watching TV.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn’t.  I listen to music while I commute.  Some people say they like to read on the commute.  I can only read if the train or bus is quiet.  When people are having loud conversations, I can’t concentrate on what I’m reading.  So I’ve taken to listening to music.  It helps calm me for the day ahead (needed more so when I was working with Nemesis).  Acupuncture was great for anxiety but I’m waiting on that until the new year.

In other news my stomach is feeling a little better today.  Not 100% but I am able to eat real food again though I mixed some stomach soothing things in there just in case.  I have that 3rd interview tomorrow.  I spent about an hour preparing for in when I received a call from placement guy.  He said they wanted to change the schedule and my heart just sank.  Luckily all my work was not for nothing and then just shifted the time around.  Relief!  After this, I’m done worrying about things in Japan and I can focus entirely on getting ready for my trip to America.  It’ll be nice to get things sorted there, spend time with family and friends, and seriously take care of my health.

That’s all for today.

Be well,
Princess Serentiy


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