Japan · Life · Mental Health

Former office woes, the election, and the calm…

In the early morning in America, while still snuggled in my bed, I drowsily talked to Motoki.  He’s having problems at work with Nemesis and another lady (who’s often as difficult as Nemesis to deal with).  I really feel for him and as you know I really relate.  Apparently Nemesis isn’t just my nemesis, she’s everyone’s.  This is no surprise really.  Nemesis has been doing the job not even 3 years, and she often spoke to me about leaving the job in another 3 years because her ultimate goal (like many Japanese women) is to get married (to her loser now-fiancé) and pop out baby after baby.  Despite her utter lack of experience, Motoki said she acts like she’s a fucking expert.  With my 14+ years experience and his 8+ years experience we run circles around Nemesis with our professional experience.  Now a lot of experience doesn’t always make someone skilled at their job, but I know myself and Motoki well and we are both awesome at what we do.  Plus, I’ve seen him in action.  Nemesis would often talk shit about Motoki and the way he ran things.  During those times I would offer and uncomfortable “yeah” and try to change the subject because I absolutely did not agree with what she said.  Also remember I told you Motoki said she moved to my old desk claiming hers was too cold.  Her old desk was right next to Motoki.  I said I wish I had known Motoki and I would be such great friends.  Had I known that I would have picked the desk next to him.  He said if we had sat next to each other it would have been a lot nicer.  I think so too.  I think work would have been less stressful for both of us (and better for our mental health) if we could lean on each other so easily.  I said to him that I often left early because things were hard and dealing with Nemesis was so awful.  Now he says he leaves early for his own mental health.  I said I regretted leaving him there to deal with Nemesis’s crap, but he said if he were me, he’d have done the same.  He also said Nemesis wants to leave the small office and return back to the big office.  My god, she’s so dramatic.  Motoki basically said good riddance.  How much more peaceful (and cool) our office would have been without her ever in it.  Unfortunately, we can’t repeat the past (in a better way) as Jay Gatsby found out.

I’ve been missing Japan something fierce.  Every time I return to America, I feel less and less like it’s my home.  I said that to Motoki too.  I may have been born here but Japan is now my home.  My cousin said that too.  She said I couldn’t say I was from America.  I had to say I was from Japan even though I could never say that while in Japan.  Especially, now I feel like a place like this is not my home.  I’m referring, of course, to the election.  On election, I watched, riddled with anxiety, as Trump continued to take the lead.  I think you can safely assume that I’m not a woman to simply shut the fuck up and did not vote for that racist homophobic windbag.  My anxiety grew as he took an epic lead on Hillary until finally I could no longer look at my computer screen and went to bed.  While I am beyond grateful to not raise any child I may possibly bear in Trump America, I’m still terrified that his presidency will have repercussions around the world.  America is still a world power and what happens here often affects what happens across the globe.  I have serious doubts about bringing a child into this world now.  I’m scared.  I’m scared to be a woman in America.  I don’t feel safe.  I am aching to return to Japan to see the people I love and care about but most of all to feel safe again.  I have never not felt safe in Japan.  Japan is the safest country I’ve ever been in.  Motoki said he and other Japanese would welcome me back with open arms.  That calmed the anxiety.  Motoki is really good at that.  He has one of the the calmest demeanors I’ve ever experienced, but it’s a warm calm and not a cold calm (that’s more like Endymion, a cold calm, which I’ve called him on many times).  Anyway, I am mostly okay, but I still don’t want to be here anymore.  I’m hoping I can busy myself with work for the next two months as I’m taking a temp job while I’m here.  I have an orientation next week and it’ll be a good thing to distract myself with.  Until next time…

Princess (in constant need of) Serenity

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