Life · Mental Health

Congratulations on your infertility!

Facebook erupts with another fake pregnancy post, a birth, and a pregnant momma holding her baby girl while gushing about meeting the new one.

Meanwhile, I’m back from the doctor.  I cleaned up, and locked myself in my room.  My worst fears were confirmed with one slip of paper:


Of course it’s a little more complex than a blanket infertility diagnosis.  However, my time at a regular gyno is done.  Even though my case is highly unusual with no explanation for a missing period even after progesterone, my ultrasound showed pearl like ovarian cysts consistent with PCOS which lab work confirmed.  Because of my age and this unexplainable cycle, the doctor says my best bet for pregnancy would be to start with IVF, but even that is not guaranteed to work.  This was my worst fear: infertility.  That there was something wrong with me.  That I was broken.

I am utterly heartbroken.  To make matters worse Endymion texted me while I was in the doctor’s office this morning scolding me repeatedly because he has to take care of some money problems I left behind in Japan.  This is the second time he’s done this for me, and on top of that he threw all the IKEA purchases (that we decided on together) in my face.  Now I feel like he made a horrible choice in partners.  I can’t take care of my finances, and I can’t give him a baby.  What good am I?  I feel like I’m not good for anyone.  Basically, you suck princess.  You suck at money.  You suck at life, and now you can’t even make a baby.

To be honest, I thought after I left the doctor: “I’ll talk to him, but we’ve got to give this up.”  Then I got that text message and I thought: “Of course, we’re giving it up.”  That was the proverbial nail in the coffin.  If he is so angry about this amount of money, he’s not going to want to pay on average $4000 (per treatment) for IVF.  (Still cheaper than the US checking in at $12,000 per treatment.)  And even though the Japanese government will subsidize some of the costs, I’m not so sure about how that applies to non-citizens (me) and my husband’s income (there’s a salary cap).  Additionally, I found that the average chance of IVF success rate for women up to age 37 is 23% and from age 38-39 it drops to 18%.  It can take 4 to 5 cycles to be successful and cost and average of $19,000 (which still pales in comparison to the US’s average of $48,000).  Interestingly enough our neighbor Korea is the cheapest place to undergo fertility treatments.  To bottom line this, I’m the one who’s broken as his SA showed he was more than okay, so all the money for IVF would have to be paid on account of me.  I can’t ask him to do that.  I can’t.  I already have anxiety up the wazoo about my current financial predicament and being unemployed.

I am sick about this.  I’m sick and sad.  I feel like it’s better to quit now than go through all the stress and anguish of IVF.

Great.  I just read a little bit about PCOS.  Apparently depression and anxiety are symptoms of PCOS.  Check.  Also, it says you can help PCOS if you lose some weight.  (Something I’ve been trying to do for over a year with no success, and I can’t go to the gym in Japan because of their stupid bullshit views on tattoos.)  Uncheck.  It also says miscarriages are common in women with PCOS.  Check again.

I need to get off the internet.  I need a nap.  I need to not emerge from this room all night.

4 thoughts on “Congratulations on your infertility!

  1. I started reading your blog. I’m so sad to hear you are going through this. However, I find these fears so hard to write about that I keep posting about it and then removing those posts. I’m impressed at your courage to share this.

    I also have felt that gloom combo of money, unemployed, and infertile. They all compound the other.

    All I can offer you is the biggest internet hug of your life.

    *big hug*


    1. Hey thanks for going back and reading. I read through your infertility posts when I first found your blog. When I first started TTC, I was bombarded with a ton of emotions and I didn’t know how to control them. They would often erupt in different ways (bouts of crying, anger) but often directed at my husband. So I did what any modern woman would do I googled “How to cope with TTC.” It’s funny that I needed to google to start a blog as it was something I did years ago in the Myspace days. To be honest writing this blog is incredibly cathartic for me. Thank you for the hug and the support. It helps me to write this and I’m happy if it helps others too.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve got no words to tell you how hurtful and unfair life can be. Just remember that the ability to bare a child has nothing to do with you as a person. I ask you to look at your sister on that point. Her ability to have a child didn’t change her as a person (unless cranking up the crazy counts). You have worth simply because you exist. You passion for your garden, saving animals, sew and costuming, teaching, and many other things give you worth. You are kind and funny. Your skills with literature are there to outshine your lack of skills with math, but that’s okay. My math is fine and my English ability is dismal, we compliment each other. Endymion can pay the bills and you can prepare wonderful meals, take care of the house and dog, as well as work and maintain a social life. You could also kick him in the nuts at tell him to be more sensitive.
    This is a hurdle that hurts and will take time and effort to overcome but overcome you will. Just remember that your not alone. I’ll always be just a message away. Though it may take me time to respond because I responded in my head and forgot to type it in a message.


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