Life · Mental Health

Unimportant…

Hi, hello.  Welcome to day one hundred and twenty fucking five.  You read that right.  125.  I’m five days off progesterone.  No AF to speak of.  I’ve had mild fleeting cramping today so I though for sure she’d rear her head, but it’s almost bedtime and nothing has happened.

Just now and maybe for the reason above I became overwhelmed with sadness.  The light is still blaring on me but I felt like turning it off and burying myself in the covers, but there’s nothing here to hide from except my own crippling emotions.  Those aren’t as easily shut off as a light.

Motoki says that the people around us are what make us important in the world.  These days, I don’t feel very important in the world.  Unemployed.  Unpregnant.  What’s my purpose then?  To just sit around and take up precious oxygen?  Tears are choked in my throat.  How can I be important if Endymion is never around?  How can I be important unemployed?  Not impacting the world in any way shape or form.  How can I be important infertile?  I feel very unimportant lately.

Tomorrow is my follow up doctor’s appointment with an ultrasound.  I hope I can get some answers.  Even knowing something is broken is better than knowing nothing and having nothing go as it should.  I doubt tomorrow will give me all the answers I seek though.

This entry doesn’t really have a path to follow.  Now that I’ve started it, I don’t know how to end it.  I’ll just say I’m so very tired.  I’m so very tired of this whole journey.  I’m so very tired of these feelings.  I’m so very tired of being unimportant.

 

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