My teeth are aching.  I just downed some more Advil which will be my saving grace until my teeth decide to settle down and stop being dicks.  My eyes are red and they look tired because I spent most of the day yesterday crying.  Last night I went to my dad’s house and my sister was supposed to go, but she cancelled claiming she was sick, and not that she’s an awful person.  While I was at my dad’s, my mom took my niece’s presents to my sister’s house, and I was robbed of all the joy of seeing my niece open all the presents the prince and I got her.  I have no pictures of it, and no happy memories of Christmas this year.  Of course, we spoiled my niece because we have no children of our own to spoil, but my sister doesn’t know about our struggles to conceive because I know she’d just use that information to hurt me.  So I spent Christmas lying in bed watching “Bob’s Burgers” and crying to the prince via text.  My mom said she had a video for me to watch of my niece, and she tried to get me to eat pie, but I was having none of it.  I felt so crushed by yesterday and how awful it was that I just made myself some hot chocolate with Bailey’s and eventually went to bed.  The prince had been resolutely supportive, and my heart swells with how lucky I am to have him.  I cried that I missed him and Japan and our Small Lady dog.

I love Christmas.  I love the lights and the sweets.  I love the weather and spending time with my family.  I love watching people open the wonderful presents I got them (because I am a damn good gift giver, always have been).  Now I have such a sour taste in my mouth associated with Christmas.  I have no desire to come here for Christmas next year.  I’d rather put up a tree in our apartment in Japan, decorate the hell out of the place, and bake my own sweets and spend time with the ones who love me most, Prince Endymion, Small Lady dog, and hopefully our own baby/babies.  I want to start new family traditions as it’s clear that the old ones have run their course.  I want traditions full of love and of joy and not of harsh words or ridiculous squabbles or ungrateful hateful people.

I’m so tired you guys.  I’m exhausted by life in America.  Take me back to Japan.  I hope things are better for you.

Princess (when will I have some) Serenity

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