Life

The good daughter…

I’ve always been the good daughter.  I got pretty good grades.  I never did drugs.  Never smoked anything stronger than a cigar.  I never got kicked out of school.  I went to community college and later got my bachelor’s degree.  I’ve always had a steady job (now is the only time in my life I’ve ever not had a job).  For the past 14+ years I’ve had a steady career working in both the US and Japan.  My only major failing at life has been where money is concerned.  When I was younger, I got myself into financial trouble using credit cards and payday loans.  However, 5 years prior to moving to Japan I got myself sorted out stateside got all my credit cards paid off and even my car paid off.  Before I left the US, I became debt free.  Now I’d say I have a pretty good handle on life.  I’m still not the greatest with money but I’ve made it through 37 years of life without any major fuck ups.

My sister, on the other hand, was always the bad daughter.  In high school, she did drugs at school and got kicked out.  She went to an alternative high school for naughty kids.  When she was older, she had a hard time holding down a steady job and deciding on a career.  My mother often supported her financially getting her her own apartment.  My mom helped my sister move across the country and then back to our home state.  She was my sister’s main source of support during her pregnancy both emotionally and financially, and for two years following the pregnancy, so she could spend all her time with my niece.  From my perspective, my sister remains entirely ungrateful.  She often talks of “running away” aka leaving this state, running off and getting married, running away from my mother.  Last year she claimed my mother was trying to make up for her parenting mistakes with my sister using my niece as a surrogate.  She said that my niece would call my mother “mom” and my sister thought my mother had her do this on purpose.  I though was niece was just confused because she was barely a year old and didn’t have much vocabulary.  She often claims my niece is hers (as in her property), but I’m sure you know as well as I do that no one owns anyone else be it your husband or wife or even your child.  You can’t own a human.  Now, of course, my niece knows everyone perfectly well and calls me by my name (even though I’ve been in Japan most of her life) and my mom is “gramma”.

A couple of stories that illustrate how my sister is as a person follow.

One of the most vivid memories I have of mys sister (besides when she beat me up with a doll bed cushion or when we got into a full on brawl in the entryway of our parents house) is when my uncle was taking my sister and I and my two cousins to the lake on his boat.  For some reason everyone got in the truck except my sister, and I remember her walking in the direction of the mailbox.  My uncle pulled the truck up next to her and the two of them got into a shouting and cussing match because she refused to get in the truck.  He sped off leaving here there, and I’m assuming she just stayed home with my grandma.

My sister was my maid of honor at my wedding.  She claimed my niece (a few months old at the time) was the reason she couldn’t do anything to help me during my wedding or do any of the maid of honor duties.  In fact, Naru assumed most of the MoH duties and should have been my MoH to begin with, but I felt I owed it to my sister.  The truth, I now know to be absolutely true, is that I owe no one anything especially my sister who has caused me tears time and time again.  When I asked my sister to speak at the reception, she flat out refused.  She would say nothing on my behalf, wouldn’t wish us congratulations, wouldn’t even say “all the best”.  I was terrified that no one would say anything at my wedding, but I was over the moon when Naru and many of my other friends spoke.

Today is my uncle’s funeral.  My mom said she was going to have the priest read her speech she wrote because she was so torn up at my grandma’s funeral and could barely read what she wrote about her.  I was a bit shocked she hadn’t even bothered to ask me if I would read it and she said “I didn’t think it was something you’d be into.”  I wouldn’t be into helping my mother in her time of need?  It’s like she doesn’t even know me.  I only responded with “I’m not my sister, and I would have at least like to have been asked.”  In the end I’m reading her speech, so she can sit silently and grieve for her brother.

Writing this has left me feeling angry.  Angry that my sister who has fucked up more times than what should even be allowed has gotten everything she’s ever wanted including a baby girl.  While I, on the other hand, have lived a kind and caring life.  I have done my best to be a good person and the prince is also a good person yet we cannot be blessed with the child we so desire via the natural way.  I hope once I leave America I can get back to living a happy and positive life and we can adopt our dream baby/babies.

Time for a funeral.

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