Life · Mental Health

Infertility sucks…

It’s been a rough couple of days.  Yesterday was the funeral.  I read my mom’s speech.  I stayed strong while my mom fell apart and silently wept.  My niece who had no idea what was going on was dancing to the music and running around my uncle’s ashes which were on a round table in the center.  During the funeral my sister huffed with heavy dramatics as she kept dragging my niece out of the room.  Things would have been better had she just let my niece do what she needed to do because my aunt remarked at the end of the funeral that she (my niece) brought a little joy to a very sad time.  My aunt is like that.  She always tries to find happiness amidst sadness.

Last night I talked to prince as he made his way to the airport to leave for America.  Figuring he was all set to go I went to sleep (taking Advil PM to assist me).  For some reason I woke up at midnight and looked at my phone.  It hadn’t made any noise as it was on silent mode, but for some reason I was compelled to look at it.  Drugged from the Advil I noticed a ton of missed messages and 3 missed calls all from the prince the last of which said “I can’t get on the plane.”  I tried to rouse myself up to figure out what the hell was going on.  Apparently the airline said he needed an ESTA to travel.  Since he is only going to be in the US for a couple days, I don’t know why they required this of him.  He should be able to visit the US on a tourist visa with no problems.  Apparently, he needed my mom’s address (the place we’re staying) for the ESTA.  Finally, all problems solved, I tried to go back to sleep.  I woke up again at 5AM to more problems.  He had trouble again with the ESTA, and once he finally got through there was only five minutes until departure.  Thinking he couldn’t fly he was relieved to find out at the gate that the flight was delayed an hour.  As time ticked by more delays were posted.  Finally they told him he couldn’t fly until tomorrow which meant he’d miss our anniversary.  Not one to sit idly by and let this happen, he found a flight to Hawaii and then on to the mainland leaving that same night.  He told the airline and they re-booked him on that flight.  He’s now in the air and landing in Hawaii any minute now.  Praying no more problems arise he should be on the mainland tonight and we can celebrate our anniversary as planned tomorrow.

After a night of rough sleep I was awakened by the apartment gardeners blasting their equipment right by my window.  Since I had an OBGYN appointment, I just said fuck it and got up.  Before I knew it, it was almost time for my appointment.  It was just an annual and I thought everything would go smoothly.  What did I think such a silly thing?  When I arrived there was no one in the waiting room, and I was quickly called back.  This time I had a new doctor (nurse practitioner really) and she was rather curt and unsympathetic.  I asked for STD tests as I do every year because even though we are monogamous, it’s included in my insurance and a smart thing to do in my opinion.  While the doctor I had had for years and years was glad to email me test results (because I live in Japan and their phone line is a joke), this nurse lady basically said “no way”.  From the get go she was very off-putting, and I didn’t like her at all.  The doctor I saw for the PCOS stuff had a much better bedside manner, but she wasn’t available today.  Since I was getting STD tests I had to have blood drawn (something I hate more than anything).  She told me I should wait in the waiting room, and they’d just call me for a blood draw (standard procedure nothing out of the ordinary here).  I took a seat and waited.  Time ticked by and I watched newborn, pregnant mothers, and newly pregnant couples parade by.  The stream was never ending and everyone looked so full of happiness and joy.  Finally after about 20 minutes of waiting (highly unusual) I went to the front desk and asked what the fuck was going on though not using those exact words.  They said they’d find out what was happening.  Finally, I couldn’t handle all the happiness anymore.  The weight of my infertility and my sadness seemed crushing at that moment and I broke down into tears.  I silently wept as the phlebotomist drew blood dabbing the tears away.  When she was finished, she simply said “I hope you feel better.”  I practically ran out of there and into the stairwell where I took big gulps of air and sobbed.  Once I could walk, I walked to the car and sobbed loudly for about five minutes.  Thanks goodness for cars, right?  Oh did I mention I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet and it was almost 11AM.  Finally composing the sobs into dripping tears I drove across the street to Starbucks where I ordered breakfast.  Would you believe they were out of the sandwich I wanted?  Way to kick a man when she’s down!  I had them refund it and left with a drink tears still rolling down my face.  I finally got McDonald’s for breakfast and as soon as I got back to my mom’s put on jammies and crawled back into bed.

Just seeing to see what’s happening I decided to check my bank account.  I overdrafted it by $82.  This day.  I tell you this day just keeps kicking my ass.  So I went to the bank (so much for jammie time) and fortunately they reversed both overdraft fees, and I deposited the last of my Christmas money.  I tell you what kids.  Put your money in a credit union.  They have taken care of me more times than any big bank ever has.  So that’s one thing that hasn’t been a big pile of shit.

Guys, I’m going to level with you.  Infertility sucks.  It fucking sucks.  Never in my life have I felt so helpless and so much like everyone else has the one thing that I physically cannot have (not without the help of science).  While most days I remain hopeful and am immensely looking forward to the hope of building our family via adoption, it’s days like that that cripple me and the anxiety and depression get the better of me.  I feel like I’m drowning in the weight of sorrow and I can’t breathe or swim to the top of the pool of sadness for some air.  Today everything just decided to hit all at once.  I think I’m going to stay in “my room” for the day and try to nap and/or watch Bob’s Burgers.  Aside from picking the prince up from the airport nothing else is required of me today, and that’s just fine with me.

Princess (please please please let me get) Serenity

8 thoughts on “Infertility sucks…

  1. Infertility sucks so much. It took four years of working through the Japanese infertility machine of hell before we finally found a clinic that was able to help me. I got pregnant last year and those four months were a joy. Sadly, we lost our son, and it was pretty crushing. I learned well that miscarriage is celebrated by paperwork in Japan, but we’ve been more hopeful of our odds ever since.

    We have been failing ever since our lost miracle, but more hopeful that we just need to make another if we can. This time we know what we need to do to prevent another lost.

    However, I remember those brutal four years of trying out clinic after clinic. None of them seemed able to figure out what was wrong. The doctors never gave a clear answer. They had the bedside manners of a block of wood (the block of wood is probably friendlier!)

    I learned that it’s all about finding the right doctor and clinic. Once we found the right one, that’s when we succeeded (at least for a time) and we’re sure we can succeed again. We keep getting close (chemical pregnancies). There are no guides to infertility in Japan and what us infertile women have to go through.

    But I’m praying so hard for you! I want you and your husband to know the child of parenthood one way or another.

    — an ally in the struggle


    1. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. I think it’s never easy whether it’s a few months or a few weeks. I’m glad you’ve finally found a clinic that you like as I’ve often heard of Japanese doctors in general being very unsympathetic creatures. I’m hoping my husband arrives without any further complications later this evening and if I have enough courage I want to talk to him about adoption immediately. It doesn’t matter to me whether I carry my future son or daughter in me. I found an awesome support group for adoption as well as TTC online and that’s really been my saving grace this past year. I’m so glad to have found communities of people like this and this blog especially. I hope that someday soon one of your pregnancies comes to fruition.

      Liked by 1 person

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