Adoption · Life · Mental Health

The calm after the storm…


The metaphorical storm that is anyway.  It’s been a tumultuous couple of days.  The prince had some trouble with his flight leaving from Japan.  When I saw him walking out of the exit, I burst into tears.  I felt so selfish for wanting some time to myself yet being miserable all the while.  He really is my better half, and I clutched hard to him for fear we’d be separated again.  I told him that I never wanted to be apart from him for that long again.

On our anniversary we stayed at a B&B, we rode bicycles together, we got caught in the rain, we took an Uber, we ate one of the most delicious meals I’ve ever eaten, we drank a bottle of wine, and we laughed and laughed and laughed.  It was a perfect day.  Now we’re two years into this crazy life.  Things didn’t always turn out as I’d planned, but I wouldn’t trade my experiences with Endymion for anything.  He’s given me a happy life, but we’ve had to work hard at it.  All this work made us stronger together, and I think we are a better couple because of it.  Of course, you know that if you read this blog that our lives aren’t perfect, but life in general is not perfect, so I don’t expect our relationship to be either.

When he arrived, I told him about how I felt about IVF.  I legit do not want to do it.  Despite having tattoos, I have a serious fear of needles (like so serious I had to have my mom hold my hand whenever I got blood drawn until I was in my 20s).  I don’t want the injections, the chemicals, the hormones.  I don’t want to feel unlike myself.  I don’t want to get seriously ill.  I don’t want to fall pregnant just to lose baby after baby.  When we first talked, he was seriously anti-adoption.  I couldn’t understand why, and he couldn’t explain his feelings beyond saying he wanted a pure child (as in of our bloodline).  When we told my mom, she was of the same mind as me.  IVF = bad.  Adoption = good.  Prior to talking to her, Endymion asked me what she would say, and I told him that she’d be very pro-adoption, and I was right.  I felt bad for my mom.  She lost two family members this year, and I have the culminate 2016 by dropping the bomb on her that I can’t have children without a lot of help from doctors.  She started crying.  I told her not to worry and that one way or another we’ll have our precious babies.

The next morning, the day after our anniversary, I had a breakdown.  Like I am terrified of IVF, you guys.  I’m not even joking.  It had been causing me a lot of anxiety even thinking about it.  I again expressed my feelings to the prince.  Explaining how scared I was of all the unnatural stuff they pump into your body and how I just got rid of the unnatural chemicals after dumping BCP.  I also think it’s a waste of money for such a small chance of success, and I think it would probably take more than one round of IVF to actually become PG.  Plus, I should have a say in what I want to happen to my body right?  How feminist of me!  Right now I’m pretty envious of all those women who get pregnant so easily.  The prince hugged me, consoled me, and I think we agreed to forego IVF.  I told him I would do IUI but that I want to get the ball rolling on adoption ASAP.  I’m 37.  I don’t want to be a first time mother at 43.

This whole situation has wreaked havoc on my mental health.  The next day, we tried to go walking but the weather was absolute shit, and we gave up and did some indoor activities like last minute shopping and eating.  I had bought a hoodie that I had intended to return and I had inadvertently slipped my pedometer into the pocket of it.  I put the hoodie in a shopping bag to return it, and took a shower.  A little while after the shower, I couldn’t find my pedometer (obviously), and I had a mini break.  The prince has learned to deal with these breaks much better.  In the past he was kind of an ass about it because Japanese people aren’t taught to deal with any sort of anxiety or depression issues.  A good number of Japanese people still think suicide is the way to deal with these problems.  He helped me search everywhere until we finally both realized it was in the hoodie pocket.  To be honest I wasn’t upset at losing my pedometer (even though this would have been the 2nd time I lost it since I got to America).  I was more troubled by the fact that he couldn’t see adoption the way I saw it.  That night he read a bunch of information online about adoption and found 5 agencies he wanted to contact once he got back to Japan.  I guess we made progress in only a few short days.

This morning Endymion head back to Japan.  My heart hurt saying “see you later” to him, but he reminded me that it’s a much shorter separation this time.  Today I ran errands this morning returning the not so cute presents my sister got me for some terribly cute pants on clearance.  I got some travel stuff on clearance at Target.  I donated my old prescription glasses.  I bought a mini donut pan (OMG too cute).  Then I came home and my mom wanted me to haul 4 boxes of books to sell.  In the end they only bought like 5 books and the rest went to Goodwill.  I didn’t even want to do that.  I just wanted to pack my suitcase and GTFO of here.  Unfortunately, I don’t leave until Friday.  Once I finally got back to the house, I declared that I was done for the day, took a shower and started cleaning my crap out of the bathroom.  I am so ready to go it’s not even funny.  I wanted to pack a suitcase but my legs feel wobbly from all the heavy lifting and running around today.  I’m sitting in bed, bundled in a jacket and blankets and writing this blog.

I had a nice time in America.  I was happy to see my friends and work a little, but after the disaster that was Christmas, I honestly have no desire to come back here again.  I hope we have a baby by then so that could be my excuse.  I told my mom if we did have a baby, we wouldn’t be traveling.  It’s time.  It’s time to stop calling this place my Christmas and start Christmas traditions of my own.

Meanwhile, I’m anticipating the last few days in America to be relatively uneventful, and I don’t mind that at all.

Princess Serenity



5 thoughts on “The calm after the storm…

  1. Hello!

    Wow I didn’t realize you were also a fan of Sailor Moon until I saw the Princess Serenity.

    I can relate a lot about needles. I hate needles with a burning passion. They scare me, but I can usually muscle through. My dad goes queasy at the site of them. He was traumatized many years ago when he went to donate blood and the nurse couldn’t find his vein (small veins run the family on his side and I have the same problem). Rather than pull the needle out and try again, the nurses just started digging around for it with the needle. He nearly passed out. (I almost pass out whenever he tells the story). We both turn away when Hollywood movies zoom in needles being put int. He always laments “Why does Hollywood have to show the needle going in in movies?”

    When I did IVF for the first time in Japan, the needles were not as bad as what blood-drawing is like. They put it in my side where fat is. However, chemical IVF failed me completely because I’m running out of eggs (low AMH).

    So I switched to natural IVF (which has no needles except for the one time blood draw at the beginning of a cycle or to check if I got pregnant). At most you might get 2 needle pricks for the entire month you do it (those are just for blood draws which suck). Plus there is no overwhelming your body with artificial hormones and chemicals.

    I got pregnant for the first time in my life using natural IVF. (Sadly, I lot my son in the second trimester due to a different matter). However, we’ve now been working to collect eggs via natural IVF since my eggs are running out.

    Sometimes they can give clomid to up the egg count to 2-3.

    The plus side is almost no needles and no chemicals. The cost is much lower (under a $500 if the egg fails to fertilize and $2000 if it fertilizes and grows and $5000 if you become pregnant and reach 9 weeks pregnant).

    Whereas chemical IVF in Japan (in my experience) is $8000 even if all the eggs extracted fail to grow. It’s $2000 even for just a cancelled cycle.

    The downside of natural IVF is that you only get 1-2 eggs per cycle (the ones you naturally grow). If they fail to fertilize or be extracted, you have to wait until the next month.

    I don’t know if that is something you’d be interested in.

    Have a good time in the US. May hugs and best wishes!


    1. Hi! Yeah all the people in my blog have Sailor Moon aliases. I’ve loved it since I was a teen. Thanks a lot for all the information. I’ll talk to the mister about it and see what he thinks. I still have the intense fear of losing yet another child and would rather just adopt and be done with it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand. That’s the greatest fear of me and my husband. We are terrified of losing a second. The first broke us enough.

        For the first two months after, we would both break into tears. We would just be watching the sun set and I would look over to see tears trickling down his face. Then I would start crying too. Sometimes I’d start crying and then he’d start crying too.

        I’m so scared to go through that again. My husband is scared at the thought.

        I always cry when I see the beginning of Up. That seen of her crying in the chair at the fertility clinic with her husband standing behind her was represented my husband and I so much.

        I hope you are able to adopt a child and raise him or her in love and compassion.

        Sending my prayers.


      1. This is why I’ve never attempted to donate blood. :/

        My dad terrified me enough with his horror story. I want to help. I do.

        But those needles!

        When they develop a less horrifying way to donate blood, I’ll happily share mine. But for now, no thank you!

        That sounds so scary!


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