Japan · Life · Mental Health


If someone asked you to tell them a secret, what kind of secret would you tell them?  Your biggest secret?  A small secret?

Of course, I have many secrets.  Infertility is only one of them, and it’s not even the biggest one.  My line of thinking is that if someone asks for a secret, you tell them a smaller one to start.  You can gauge based on their reaction to the secret whether or not to tell them a bigger secret later on, but you should never start with your biggest secret first.

Tonight I finished the last of the Fireball (whiskey).  I just came home from a party with my closest girlfriends in Japan.  We played Cards Against Humanity, drank Fireball and Amaretto and laughed our faces off.  I’m back in the hotel, alone because the prince is staying at his company’s hotel.  My throat is burning, and my head is upside down.  I don’t want to be alone but here I am…the story of my married life it seems that Endymion is always working and I’m always alone.  Basically, we are Endymion and Serenity.  He is always on Earth, and I’m always on the moon.

Last night Motoki and I had dinner, drank a lot, and sang karaoke (all staples in Japan).  We talked about work, Nemesis, and secrets.  When I asked Motoki to tell me a secret, he told me his biggest one first, and then I got some smaller ones later.  (Just to clarify two things: no his biggest secret isn’t anything weird or gross or sexual.  In fact, I was quite shocked at just how seemingly normal it was.  The other thing I need to say is that no I’m not going to disclose it here.  Even though you don’t know Motoki, it’s not my business to go about typing up other people’s secrets here especially ones trusted to me in confidence).

Today I had lunch with Minako, and I asked her this same question I asked you.  Big or small secret?  She agreed with me that you shouldn’t disclose your biggest secret first.  Without telling her what his secret was, I told her that Motoki disclosed his biggest secret to me first.  She doesn’t know him but said that he must really trust me.  I think she’s right because of course we have that connection which causes me to often see myself mirrored in him.  Isn’t depression a crazy thing?  It’s definitely not the most beautiful thing to have in common.  When he asked me the same question, I gave him a small secret and eventually he got my biggest one out of me.  No, it’s not infertility.  There’s actually something bigger.  In fact, I’d say infertility is a medium secret since Naru knows, my mom knows, Endymion knows, and well all of you know.

So Makoto says I should go visit the old office tomorrow.  I wasn’t going to but now I really want to.  I’d like to see some old coworkers (Nemesis excluded), my old boss, Makoto again, but most of all Motoki one last time.

I can’t type any more.  The Fireball is making me so sleepy and the screen is getting blurry.  It’s probably a really good thing that they don’t have it in Japan.

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