Japan · Life · Mental Health

Back home…

Endymion heard tell of a storm dumping a ton of snow on our home, so we decided to leave Tokyo early (as in late last night instead of Sunday morning).  We dragged our heavy bags (mostly full of my stuff) in and out of train stations and finally settled on the Shinkansen (bullet train).  The Shinkansen is an awesomely comfortable way to travel throughout Japan; however, it’s quite expensive.  We finally made it home after midnight and were exhausted, but I couldn’t shower and go to sleep immediately as I had to unpack the suitcases and make sure everything was accounted for since we had to leave quickly and were just throwing everything in the suitcases.

In the midst of the chaos I created by literally throwing shit anywhere at home, Endymion and I got into a fight.  The first reason was he washed and then dried my clothes in the dryer while I was gone.  I don’t put all my clothes in the dryer because of shrinkage.  I prefer to hang dry a lot of my clothes especially because most of them are American purchased and fit just right.  I got angry at him because this is not the first time he’s done this to my clothes.  I understand his intentions are good, but he can’t be bothered to ask me if I dry certain clothes, and I told him if he’s not going to ask, just don’t fucking touch my clothes.  The second reason I got mad was that he completely took over a section of our space while I was gone because his memory sucks, and he can’t remember that we shared that space.  He refused to believe it was a shared space.  So basically, the welcome home wasn’t the welcome I had expected and I was crying and angry at him.  In situations like these he loves to ask “What should I do?” almost as if it’s a cop out, and I won’t actually tell him what I think he should do.  I said “you should communicate”.  We’re not going to survive anything it we don’t communicate.

This morning we picked up our Small Lady dog and got her all cleaned, and I put all my clothes away.  In a return to normalcy, we had lunch, went grocery shopping, and I finally got my new bicycle, so shit I guess I really do live here now.  However, I keep thinking about all the friends I don’t have in the city and all the friends I do have elsewhere.  Most of all, I can’t help thinking about Motoki and how he’s feeling.He’s poked his nose in on Facebook, but he’s not said anything to me which means he’s still deep in the pits.  I can’t do anything.  I feel so helpless.  All I know is that when I met him for drinks, he started with “I’m still really depressed right now, but I saw you and it made me happy, so I’m happy right now.”  I can’t be there any more to make sure he’s happy every day.  Why do I feel so guilty when it wasn’t even my choice to leave that workplace?  I really have zero desire to get a new job.  Zero.  I can’t replace the people I used to work with.  I don’t even want to.  I want to go back so badly.  Also, because I have no new workplace to add to Google Maps, my old workplace is still bookmarked.  When I noticed that it hurt you guys.  It hurt.

Anyway, I had some Bailey’s in my hot chocolate (thank the PTB you can buy that in Japan) and now I can’t remember why I started writing this blog in the first place.  I guess to let you know that I made it home.  I am still generally unhappy, but at least I can ride a bicycle again and that makes me happy so hooray for small victories.

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