The shower is literally my favorite place to cry. Runners up are on the train, into my pillow, and next to Small Lady dog.
But Usagi, you ask, why were you crying in the shower? Fucking life man. I hate it. I just got home from a job interview. First, of all I was hideously late because I got fucking lost because I don’t know this damn city at all. Secondly, since they’re a placement agency they have several jobs available right now. Two I’m overqualified for. The third pays significantly less money as a full time job than my past part time job. FML. I’m starting to think that I took my last job for granted. You know that job that I whined about a lot but that valued me as a professional, let me pick my own schedule, and paid me accordingly? Yeah, that job. I guess Joni Mitchell was right when she said, “You don’t what you got till it’s gone.” So I’m sitting in the shower crying because I keep getting these job offers that undermine my qualifications, and it’s fucking insulting. It’s insulting. I don’t want to be here. I want to go back to my old city and my old job. I don’t want this life. I’m so miserable. I think about what would have happened if I had stayed. Endymion offered me that choice. Did I tell you that? He said I could stay behind in my old city while he worked in the new one. It’s a common Japanese practice. Would I have been happier? I can’t imagine things would be that much different. Why do I say that? Endymion slept on the sofa last night. He didn’t sleep there because I was mad at him and told him to fucking sleep on the sofa. He slept there because that’s where he fell asleep after he stayed up too late working. He does this a lot. Not only when I was in America, he did this a lot before I left Japan too. So I practically live a single life only seeing my husband on weekends. I assume that’s what it’d be like if I had stayed behind. The only difference is that I would be gainfully employed. I guess it’s also true what they say about hindsight.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be happy here. I don’t think I want to be happy here. What a terrible thing to say, right? I’m so tired. I just want to turn off the lights and not anymore. I don’t even feel like eating.
Shit I got distracted and decided to go on the website of my old workplace. Nemesis shows up in a couple of the videos. Motoki has a whole video to himself, and I’m there in more than one video. I feel sick. Why did I watch those? I don’t even want to anymore today. I just can’t.