Japan · Life

Crying in the shower…

The shower is literally my favorite place to cry.  Runners up are on the train, into my pillow, and next to Small Lady dog.

But Usagi, you ask, why were you crying in the shower?  Fucking life man.  I hate it.  I just got home from a job interview.  First, of all I was hideously late because I got fucking lost because I don’t know this damn city at all.  Secondly, since they’re a placement agency they have several jobs available right now.  Two I’m overqualified for.  The third pays significantly less money as a full time job than my past part time job.  FML.  I’m starting to think that I took my last job for granted.  You know that job that I whined about a lot but that valued me as a professional, let me pick my own schedule, and paid me accordingly?  Yeah, that job.  I guess Joni Mitchell was right when she said, “You don’t what you got till it’s gone.”  So I’m sitting in the shower crying because I keep getting these job offers that undermine my qualifications, and it’s fucking insulting.  It’s insulting.  I don’t want to be here.  I want to go back to my old city and my old job.  I don’t want this life.  I’m so miserable.  I think about what would have happened if I had stayed.  Endymion offered me that choice.  Did I tell you that?  He said I could stay behind in my old city while he worked in the new one.  It’s a common Japanese practice.  Would I have been happier?  I can’t imagine things would be that much different.  Why do I say that?  Endymion slept on the sofa last night.  He didn’t sleep there because I was mad at him and told him to fucking sleep on the sofa.  He slept there because that’s where he fell asleep after he stayed up too late working.  He does this a lot.  Not only when I was in America, he did this a lot before I left Japan too.  So I practically live a single life only seeing my husband on weekends.  I assume that’s what it’d be like if I had stayed behind.  The only difference is that I would be gainfully employed.  I guess it’s also true what they say about hindsight.

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to be happy here.  I don’t think I want to be happy here.  What a terrible thing to say, right?  I’m so tired.  I just want to turn off the lights and not anymore.  I don’t even feel like eating.

Shit I got distracted and decided to go on the website of my old workplace.  Nemesis shows up in a couple of the videos.  Motoki has a whole video to himself, and I’m there in more than one video.  I feel sick.  Why did I watch those?  I don’t even want to anymore today.  I just can’t.

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2 thoughts on “Crying in the shower…

  1. My husband will also fall asleep on the couch. I usually have to get up at midnight and send him to bed. Right now he’s work all weekends for this month because a big project is due. When I do see him, he’s so tired.

    This is a busy time at Japanese offices :/

    Do you have anyone you can skype with back home who will listen? I don’t mean try to solve your problems, but just listen and let you vent.

    When I was diagnosed with advanced adenomyosis a couple years ago, right after we’d moved to our new area, right after I’d quit my job and lost my friends, and when my husband was working an insane shift, I hit rock bottom. Sometimes I wouldn’t want to get out of bed.

    The doctor told me my uterus was so badly compromised I might never be able to get pregnant (well, he was proven wrong. I made it deep into the second trimester before a completely separate issue took my child).

    The despair can eat you alive. What pulled me through was having someone to vent to: my dad. He’s always been my rock. He knows when to give advice and when to just listen.

    Sometimes, when I try to vent to my husband, he tries to solve the problem (which makes it worse). He’s a good man, but he doesn’t understand just listening and not trying to “fix” the pain.

    Being able to just bawl to my dad that I’m hurting and I don’t know how to solve it because I don’t know the real reason I was unhappy pulled me through a lot of it.

    He didn’t say “there, there” or “buck up” or “you’ll be okay”.

    Even when I lost my child and I cried almost everyday after, he listened and understood.

    I wish I had my dad’s ability to heal a hurting heart.

    Like

    1. That’s funny that your husband is a fixer. Mine is too. He always wants to fix my problems. I always wonder if that’s a Japanese thing. I have people who I talk to. Mostly right now I don’t feel like talking to anyone, and I always hate to burden my friends with my troubles as they have heavy loads to bear as well. It’s rocky terrain all around these days.

      Liked by 1 person

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