Life · Mental Health

You got me…

Nothing like talking to Motoki to make things better.  Motoki says I shouldn’t take advice from a sick person (him), but his advice was that I shouldn’t stop searching, and that of course I’ll find a job.  “Keep applying,” he said.  “You’ll get a job.”  Of course, I have to believe this, but it’s nice to hear someone say it aloud like having your own personal cheerleader.  Motoki also said that I have a “perfect personality” (I almost didn’t let him finish because I thought for a second there he was saying I was perfect) and that I am a very good [[profession deleted]].  Motoki, my cosmic twin.  We are two people born from the same star made of all the same stardust, equally matched inside.  This can be either a good thing or a bad thing.  It’s a bad thing because we both hurt the same, but it’s a good thing because there’s someone not too far away who understands exactly how that feels.  Empathy is a powerful thing.

Would having a job solve my problems, he wondered.  Just like all of you know about Endymion’s constant aching absence, Motoki knows about that too, but we all know me having a job won’t make Endymion more present.  I said if I had a job at least I’d see people (as opposed to the no one I see right now).  It’s possible but very difficult to be lonely when you’re surrounded by lots and lots of people, and it’s hard to hate a city when you’re surrounded by people who love you and help you love the place you are.  That’s how I felt when Naru left Japan.  I felt like I didn’t have anyone left, but eventually I found some people to help me love where I was once again.  I said to him (Motoki) that in actuality going back to my old office where Motoki, Makato, Ami, and Nemesis are would be the actual best thing, but of course I know that can’t happen at least not in any immediate future or alternate reality.

Artemis said something similar (to what Motoki said) yesterday.  “Keep looking.  Something will come up,” he said.  Because Artemis is, well Artemis, but his words, being almost the same as Motoki’s, didn’t have the same weight.  It could also be that his words came via text and Motoki’s via phone.  I guess you can hear empathy better than you can read it.  Also, Artemis didn’t want to chat long about my woes and was more interested in discussing “Better Call Saul”.

So I turned on the light.  I wiped my tears away.  I had a laugh with Motoki.  We talked about root beer (really), about music, about being depressed, about life, about who we are as people (not the best kind of people but people who get each other nonetheless).  And I started to feel better.  I know I shouldn’t expect 100% satisfaction immediately, but at this point I’ll take any small joy I can get even if it’s laughing with Motoki about root beer.  Hooray for small victories.

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