I’m okay. I’m doing better. My eyes are heavy and hurt from crying both last night and today. I spoke on the phone with Naru this morning. She’s of a like mind. She thinks we should try to make things work here, and then if it doesn’t work out we should go back to our old city next year. I don’t know if Mamoru would be on board for that since he’ll be 40 mid-year.
When I did finally talk to Mamoru, I said that he should think seriously about whether or not he wants to quit his job, and we should talk about it calmly. He said he agreed with me, and I further emphasized that we shouldn’t make serious decisions while we’re upset. Maybe this means we’ll work something out.
In other news my salt lamp came today:
If you don’t know about salt lamps check them out here. Basically they are supposed to clean the air and calm the fuck out of you which incidentally are two things I need in life.
I had a job interview today and thank the PTB makeup exists amirite? I managed to cover up a lot of the redness caused by crying. So far this company has been my favorite but at the moment they just have a potential position and not a confirmed job. I guess we’ll see there.
Meanwhile, all my friends have come out of the woodwork today to send various messages of love and support without even knowing the depth of the situation. Minako and I were just talking about toothpaste and then suddenly she’s being super sweet and giving me advice about how to deal with a Japanese husband. Artemis sent me a video of him and my old boss eating really spicy chicken wings and it made me laugh. My other friend Setsuna (haven’t mentioned her yet, will put her in the pseudonyms) told me about starting an Etsy page and offered to give me the book she’s reading when she’s done. It’s like the PTB knew that I needed some virtual hugs today.
Before going to my job interview Motoki who I had been talking to this situation about sent me this message. “At this time, you should not think about what is not certain because there is no clear decision. Once something is set, then you can think about what’s next.” I’ve read and reread that message many times because Motoki has the uncanny ability to calm me the fuck down (like a human salt lamp). I can’t explain it, but his demeanor is incredibly calming (maybe that’s because of our shared star stuff and as weird as this sounds I think it invisibly flows out of him and into me which has the power to regulate my emotions). I’m so blessed by the friends I’ve made in Japan. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.
I guess the short of this is that I feel better. I feel exhausted by life but I still want to keep on living it. I’ll keep looking for a job. I’ll do my best to make new friends. I’ll start taking Japanese lessons again. I’ll find things to do that keep me so busy that I won’t have time to be sad. Tonight I’m going to start by putting some Bailey’s in my hot cocoa.