It’s 10:30AM and I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. I should. I’m hungry. I’m also feeling something. Endymion has gotten better about sleeping in the bed at night. Things about him wanting to quit his job haven’t resurfaced since I proposed a deadline for making a decision. He was none too happy about that and got really angry with me for even mentioning it. How dare I! Ugh. Such bullshit. I think he just wants to say “I’m going to quit my job” but not really think it over seriously or take the steps necessary to find a new job. He does this a lot: says he wants to do something one day but then changes his mind the next. It’s infuriating. He used to do this with me. One day he wanted to be with me more than anything, and the next day he’s ready for a divorce. You can see how that could be difficult to handle in a relationship.
In other news it’s been about 25 days since we’ve had any sort of relations. TTC has pretty much killed our sex life. In the past it was only at my insistence that we would have sex, and it was only for the sole purpose of making a baby. I’m sure you can see how this rips the fun out of having sex. Also, I’ve been feeling lately like he doesn’t desire me, but maybe that’s not true. Maybe he’s just overworked. I am afraid we’ll end up like Minako and her husband. She says, “We don’t have sex.” I wondered if she misses it. She said she does but answered in a very Japanese way: しょうがない which means “It can’t be helped.” Even though Minako is American, she’s lived in Japan a long time, so she’s practically Japanese. Is it too much to ask that Mamoru initiate sex once in a while? Even if a baby isn’t the end result. Doesn’t he want to have sex with me? Sigh. しょうがない。
Meanwhile, I’ve not heard from Motoki for a few days. I’ve sent him messages, but he’s not responded. It seems like everyone is too busy for me these days. しょうがない。 Today despite not wanting to get out of bed, I have a Skype interview and later I’m going to a Meetup. It’s a fantastic way to meet people, but I’m already having anxiety about it. Will anyone like me there? Will I make any new friends? What if no one talks to me? Sigh. Shut up anxiety. No one cares what you think.
I guess I should get out of bed and eat breakfast and do things I do here all day (read: go back to bed and watch TV).
Edit: I fed myself and Small Lady so hooray for that. I forgot to write about his weird dream I had. I dreamt about my old office. Nemesis (like why would I even dream about her) and my other male coworker were there. Turns out both of them kept sneaking out of the office but not for the same reason. In my dream (just like in real life) I didn’t seem to care where Nemesis went) but I followed the dude and it turns out he was sneaking off to smoke. No sign of Ami, Makoto, my old boss, or Motoki. Weird.