Mental Health

It’s okay…

Dear Motoki,

You’re not a very good friend.  You’ve said this before.  Now I’m saying it too.  It’s okay though because you have depression like I do.  This week I sent you a message.  I needed you, but you weren’t there.  I sent the message on Thursday.  I needed to talk.  You didn’t read that message until today, Saturday.  I could have hurt myself.  I didn’t.  I could have been in trouble.  I wasn’t.  You didn’t know because you weren’t there.

I am not angry.  I feel like I deserve this.  For many months I wasn’t there for you.  You could have hurt yourself.  You didn’t.  You could have been in trouble.  You weren’t.  I didn’t know because I wasn’t there.  I’m not a very good friend either.  I’ve said this before, and now I’m saying it again.  It’s okay because I have depression like you do.

This is the problem with being cosmic twins split from the same star.  We know better than we should how the other feels but oftentimes we can’t do anything about it.  I know that even if I tried really hard that I could never fix your problems.  I’m sure you know that even if you tried really hard that you could never fix my problems.  But that thought doesn’t stop us from trying…sometimes.  Sometimes we manage to make each other laugh.  Motoki, we’ve spread ourselves out so thin that it’s hard to believe that we could find a sliver for anyone else, but sometimes we do.  I try not to think in absolutes.  We have separate lives, separate families, live in two separate cities, we are separate.  I don’t sit next to you any more.  I accept sometimes because I know that all times is an impossibility.

So we exist on this island as separate people who can come together sometimes to be one really poor example of a human being.  Flawed.  Broken.  Tired.  Sad.  Troubled.  Depressed.  I wish I had just a tiny bit of magic.  If I did, I would use it to fix you.  Maybe there wouldn’t be enough magic for me, but that’s okay.  I’ve done okay managing this depression better than I ever thought I would.  I don’t think you’re there yet, and I would use this magic to give you back the happiness I once saw in your eyes.

You’ll likely never read this letter.  That’s okay.  I want the sentiment to exist though.  I think about you.  I worry about you.  I care about you.  Life is hard, but it’s even harder to go through life without people who understand you.  I understand you, and I hope you can find happiness in small victories.  I hope that one day in the future when we talk I’ll see real happiness behind your eyes again and not the false front you put on for the world.  Stay strong.

I’ll be thinking of you,

One thought on “It’s okay…

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