What is happening?

Well I’ve managed to stop crying.  It’s been a difficult morning.  First I was attempting to talk to Mamoru this morning, and instead of responding to me like a normal human person, he thought it best to ignore me.  Off he went to get his hair cut and when he returned a huge fight erupted because I called him out on his earlier rude behavior.  He refused to see his behavior as rude and made excuse after excuse for it.  This just made me angrier until he finally said, “I don’t want to talk to you any more.”  Then I left the living room and shut myself in the bedroom.

I was lying on the bed hating my life when Mamoru came in and was all like “Do you want to go somewhere?”  See we had plans to have a nice lunch together today.  We had plans to have a nice day.  That all went to shit when he decided to be an asshole this morning.  Don’t worry I told him all of this.  He said he has told me many times he just wants to live a peaceful life.

  1. Life won’t always be peaceful.
  2. You married the wrong woman then.

I tend to think our life is more good than bad.  However, we just made a major life change.  He’s delusional if he thinks life will just be immediately perfect.  That progressed to maybe we should get a divorce, maybe we should separate.  He said all this.  I was thinking nothing of the sort.  In fact I was thinking we should try to work this out.  So naturally I lost it.  I gave up everything to move here.  I gave up my life, my job, my friends.  I have no savings. (Yes, this is my fault, I know).  I told him if he wants to leave me then I truly have nothing because he is the only thing I have left.  (And Small Lady.🐶)  It’s okay, he’d support me, he said.  Fucking kidding right?  Why would I move to this city to be without him.  That’s so stupid.  It’s not what I want.  Every day I feel like I should have stayed in my previous city.  This just makes me feel like I made the wrong decision even more.  I told him to go live in a hotel for a few days and see how he feels after that.  Like before he wanted me to make a decision for him.  I said my decision is we try to make this life work.  He can’t force me to make a decision for him about whether or not he wants to separate.

I feel like every time I try to build my life up something knocks the blocks over, and I have to start again.  I don’t even know what’s happening in my life.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I don’t know how to fix anything.  I don’t understand why my life keeps getting worse and worse when I only want things to get better, and I’m trying to make things better (i.e. trying to get a job, make friends, be more accepting of Mamoru’s schedule).  I don’t recognize Mamoru anymore.  This job has changed him.

I’m having a hard time.  I don’t know why Mamoru can’t ever be happy in our marriage.  I often feel like he would have had a better life had he married a Japanese girl one who is the complete opposite of me.  One who is quiet, submissive, subservient, demure, fixes her husband’s bento, puts his slippers on his feet when he comes home, and does every task without complaining.  Instead he chose me: a girl who is brash, abrasive, loud, emotional, depressed, cooks American food, and is terrible at cleaning (like hardcore cleaning as I keep the clutter at bay).  Maybe he’ll never be happy with me.  Maybe he chose wrong.

I just want to live a happy life.  I want to live a life where my husband isn’t trying to run away from me all the time.  Does anyone know how to do that?  I need all the help I can get.

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