It’s 9:35AM. I haven’t got out of bed yet, and I don’t want to. But I have to. I have a job interview today, and my friend, Diana, is visiting. Yesterday after the shitstorm that Mamoru unleashed, Diana and I pigged out on Mexican food, drank margaritas and other cocktails and walked around town giggling and being silly. It was good (much needed) fun. Because she’s only here for a few days, we made plans to hang out today, and I want to see her but the weather, you guys, the weather is awful.
Of course, it’s still winter, so it’s still cold. Last night an annoying misty rain started, and guess who forgot her umbrella? That’s right, this dummy. You’d think living in Japan for almost 5 years would make me smart enough to remember to ALWAYS bring an umbrella. I chalk it up to yesterday being so horrible (more on that later). Today it’s raining pretty heavily, and I’ve been listening to it for about an hour or so regretting not rescheduling the job interview especially since it’s an hour and 30 minutes away.
I never had S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) until I moved to Japan. I’m from a place where the sun shines a lot and in Japan the sun shines very little. When I moved to my new city, I thought the weather would be mostly the same (since the two cities aren’t THAT far apart), but it really wasn’t. Since I’ve been back here, I’ve noticed one cloudy day after the next. It’s so damn depressing, and I dread going outside. I put these two side by side so you can see what I mean. On the left is my current city, and my former city is on the right. (I used the NOAA weather app because it’s so much more accurate than the Apple one.) A whole week of clouds. Yay.
So last night, I didn’t mean to do this, but I hadn’t talked to anyone and was feeling really awful despite trying to smile my way through dinner, but I word vomited everything that had happened yesterday with Mamoru all over Diana. She offered sympathy, and she said that she thinks things will settle once I have a job. She thinks I’ll be happier here when that happens. That’s a good thought because I’m really not happy here. And I hope she’s right. I’m trying. I really am.
When I came home (to my surprise) Mamoru was still there. He said he checked out guesthouses, but he decided that he wants to stay here with me in our new city. He also said he decided that he will continue working at his job for the time being. He’s not going to quit. Why does he do this to me? It really doesn’t help someone who is already depressed to put their emotions through the ringer. Meanwhile, all baby talk is on hold until we sort our lives out here. This is the absolute worst time to even think about having a baby. We are both a mess. He’s overworked and overtired and unhappy. I’m lonely and depressed and dispirited. We should not be trying to have a baby right now.
Meanwhile, I really miss Motoki. I’ve still not heard from him. I hope he comes out of his funk soon because I need his laugh in my life. I think about him. I worry about him. I hope he’s not in too bad a place, and I hope he knows that I’m here if he needs me. Fucking depression. It’s an ugly monster. I hate what it does to me and what it does to people I care about.