It’s February 1st in Japan which means I’ve been searching for a job for about two months (because we’re not counting the time I was in America). Today’s early morning (and subsequent) mailbox check showed no emails pertaining to jobs, no interview requests, no jobs offers, nothing. I emailed my old boss and asked if he had gotten any reference check emails. Nothing.
Last night was not a good night. Mamoru wanted to talk about having a baby again. Apparently, he conveniently forgot that we had tabled the baby business until our lives settled. He thought because I was taking my temperature (some days) that I was ready to go. He thought this. He didn’t bother to ask me about it or have a conversation. I hate this. Stop assuming all the time. Have a fucking conversation with me! So we had a long talk about it late into the night. I was really upset and started crying because he was pressuring me with IVF again and all I could think about was losing more babies. I told him I absolutely would not do it. Then he said (again) he didn’t want to adopt because it wouldn’t be our baby. It absolutely would. I said that I thought we came to an agreement on this. That we would do both. Keep trying on our own and apply to adopt. Anyway, I said that now is the worst time to be talking about this. He’s unhappy. He’s tired all the time. Is he even interested in sex? I asked him this. He said every day he was too tired. Sigh. Also, he said that I refused him sex. How could I refuse? He’s not expressed an interest in me this whole cycle. Again he said that he’s just too tired. Obviously. Also, I’m unhappy and depressed. We have a lot to figure out and we need to get settled here before we think about having a baby again. Again things would have been fine had we stayed in our previous city. He also said he couldn’t find any clinics here that would do natural IVF where there might have been places in our old city that would.
I love Mamoru but I don’t love my life here. Not yet. I want to. I want us to be happy before we can think of another (small) person’s happiness. I don’t think it’s fair to bring a child in to a tumultuous situation especially when Mamoru says in the midst of a fight he wants to divorce or separate. I thought he was through with that shit. I told him as much too. He needs to stop having these dramatic mood changes. I need a job and some friends. We need to be comfortable with our lives here.
That’s a picture of the sky. That’s what the sky looks like every day here. It’s always gray. It seems worse than the last place I lived, and I hate it. My mood usually matches the sky, but it’s funny the one day it was sunny I just felt too bad to leave the house. It’s also still quite cold. I’m tired of winter. I am tried of everything right now.
I’ve done the dishes. I gave Small Lady a bath (since she decided to lay in poo again). I’ve fed myself and taken my vitamins. So it’s back to bed I go. I will stay here all night. I’ve got nothing to do, no job, and no friends. Plus, I’m tired and in pain (physical and emotional). It’s cold, and I’ve got nothing to do, no reason to leave the comfort of my bed. Hopefully, I’ll have a nice nap.