If you read my last post, you’ll find that this weekend was for the most part a good weekend. Last night though, Mamoru apparently didn’t want to end the weekend on a good note. To give you some background, every year since we’ve been together we’ve gone to a snowy onsen which wasn’t too far from our last city. We’ve done this every February to kind of celebrate our being together. It’s just a dating anniversary, so it’s not a big thing, but I like doing it and look forward to it every year. Since we moved we had talked about doing the same but just going to a different place not far from our new city. Last night we tried to plan it, but I noticed Mamoru was unhappy with the planning, and it seemed to me that he didn’t want to go, so I said let’s just forget it. I was disappointed, so I went to finish watching an episode of “Santa Clarita Diet” (which is funny but also really gross). After I came back out in the living room to tell Mamoru that I wasn’t mad at him just disappointed, I found him sitting at the table pouting. Pouting. He had won this, gotten what he wanted (to not go on the trip), and I didn’t understand why he was acting like this. He said he was pouting because I refused his offer to go to dinner instead. Yes, I did refuse dinner because I told him that dinner is just any old thing. We go to dinner a lot. It’s not special or romantic or anything. It’s just dinner. Needless to say a huge fight erupted. There was lots of crying (from me because I couldn’t understand why I have to keep making sacrifices and he can’t ever be happy with anything). We didn’t have to have a fight. He could have said “Thanks Usagi, I didn’t want to go on the snow trip anyway. I’ll plan something special instead.” That’s not what he did. He said “We’ll go to dinner” and when I didn’t fall over on to the floor with happiness, he became angry and pouty. So I told him, this fight was his fault. I’ve sacrificed so many things for his happiness, for him to be happy in this new place, and even after I continue to make sacrifices, he is still unhappy. I told him he was acting childish and his response was (and forever will be I’m sure) “That’s me”. What a cop out. Every time. And you guessed it, he didn’t sleep in the bed last night.
I feel like I’ve given up so much for him to be happy in this new city, and he doesn’t appreciate any of it. Meanwhile, my own happiness is suffering tremendously. Everything I did was for him, so if he’s not happy then I’ve done everything for nothing. He is the only reason I’m in this stupid place. Why can’t he be happy? I’m here for him. I moved here to be with him. If he can’t be happy about that or happy that I’m here with him, then why am I even here? Every day I have to fight with my own emotions, my own unhappiness, my own disappointment with how things turned out. I don’t have the energy to fight with him too all the time. I’m so tired. I’m tired of being unhappy. I’m tired of looking for a job. I’m tired of not finding a job. I’m tired of being depressed. Most of all I’m tired of him not being happy that I chose him over literally everything else in my life. What more does he want?
I’m running out of things to give up. I don’t have much more left to give. When do I cease being a person? Will I lose who I am? I don’t feel like me. The me that is me is happy, she has friends, she in working doing something she loves doing. Right now none of those things describe me. Who am I? I feel so lost here. I’m trying so hard but every day I feel like a massive failure. When does this get easier? When does the crying stop?
I’m going to eat a donut and go back to bed. I’m going to try not to spend the whole day crying. I don’t know if I can accomplish that but all I can do is try. Every day that’s all I can do.