Japan · Life · Mental Health


The weather is utter crap today.  It’s pouring rain and I have a schedule packed full of appointments today.  I’m hoping something gets canceled, but so far nothing has.  Does your mood match the weather, you might ask.  And I would say beaming “It doesn’t!”

Last night I startled Motoki by calling him during dinner (even though I didn’t know it was dinner time).  He was having dinner with a bunch of people who started working at the company at the same time as he did including my old boss.  He said he would call me later.

The night carried on as usual.  Endymion came home early with cakes (I swear sometimes I think he’s trying to fatten me up), but he proceeded to pay no attention to me, only his work.  So in actuality he came home early to work not to lavish me with attention.  When Motoki called at 10PM, Endymion was still working so I decided to talk to him for a while.  A while turned out to be over an hour.  Motoki said he felt like he couldn’t really being himself around colleagues.  He had to fit nicely in a perfect Japanese box.  He said but he doesn’t feel like that around me.  Fucking right he doesn’t.  If anyone has ever felt that they can’t be exactly who they are around me then I have failed as a friend.  I love and accept you no matter who you are.  You will receive no judgment from me.

Anyway, Motoki and I talked for almost an hour.  He told me a story about himself in college that I never had heard from him before and I was completely shocked to find out that it’s almost exactly the same as one of my stories from college.  Sorry for the vagueness.  Let me clarify that it’s not a typical get drunk and act crazy college story because those are a dime a dozen.  My story revolves around how I came to choose my career and what led me to it, and as it turns out Motoki did the same exact thing I did (the thing that led me to it).  It’s actually quite an uncommon story.  In fact, I used to have it on my resume (as experience) but my old old boss (not to be confused with my old boss) told me I should take it off because it might be off putting to some.  I was so floored by this new information from Motoki, and I told him again we are literally one person who has been split in two who together make one pretty terrible person, a person who functions through life with anxiety and depression.

We talked about other things as well.  Life has been keeping him busy because he has a job (unlike me) and a family.  He said he and his wife disagree on parenting points (a common fear for me and Endymion especially since we have so many cultural disagreements).  It’s almost the end of the fiscal year (in March).  He’s been crazy busy at work and with his family all while trying to manage depression, so I get it.  He said he wishes he could talk to me more.  Same.  He talked about moving to the countryside (a passing fancy) and raising children there (he said he wants another).

It’s a rare thing in this day and age to meet someone who actually likes to talk on the phone.  Part of it Motoki feels is his English (he feels he speaks better/faster than he writes he says) but the other part I think is that our relationship was built on talk; day in and day out sitting next to each other and just talking.  There never was a digital component to our friendship.  (It’s funny with Artemis, it’s the exact opposite.  Our friendship is strictly digital; we never talk on the phone.)  This all makes me think of who I am right now as someone with depression and anxiety.  I grew up before cell phones, and computers were back then not even a fraction of what they are now.  I was a phone girl.  I talked on the phone with my friends, and I saw them in person.  I wonder if depression and anxiety has turned me into a person who generally prefers text to phone.  Truthfully, the only people I talk to with any sort of regularity on the phone are Naru and Motoki.  I don’t even talk to Endymion on the phone unless we are separated (as in I’m in America).  When Naru first left Japan, we had weekly Skype dates as a way to preserve our friendship, and they’ve continued to this day.  I really love these times.  it’s almost like we’re in the same room…almost.  When I’m scrolling through my friends: Minako, Makoto, Ami, Setsuna, Diana…it’s all text…no phone calls ever.  I can remember the only time I’ve talked to Minako on the phone is when she got lost trying to find Sizzler (yes, true story).  So that’s a brief history of Usagi and phone use.

I got off on a tangent there.  I’ve got to start this really long day.  I’m not looking forward to trudging through the rain, but I’m happy.

2 thoughts on “Motoki…

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