Three days a week I’m supposed to meet with Demande to do freelance work. The meetings last two hours. He pays me in advance. I don’t mind. Today he asked me to drink with him after the meeting. He’s kind of my boss, and I didn’t have anything else planned this evening, so I agreed. I didn’t mind.
On the way to the restaurant, we were chatting and I asked about his ex-wife. Demande is my age, and that doesn’t seem old enough to have been married before even though I’ve was engaged to someone else many years before I got married to Mamoru and of course I know it’s entirely possible. I asked if he had kids. (I didn’t think so but I was curious anyway and I think “Do you have kids?” is a perfectly acceptable question to ask unlike “When are you going to have kids?”) He said he didn’t and volunteered the rest of the information. He said he and his wife tried. And they tried some more, and she couldn’t have a baby. Then they went for tests. She had only one Fallopian tube left. They tried IVF. They had one success with IVF and then lost the baby which of course was devastating for them. They ended up divorcing, but he says it didn’t have anything to do with the infertility (though I have my doubts). My heart broke for them. I know what it feels like to not be able to get PG. I know what it feels like to lose a baby. I know what it feels like to lose hope. I looked at his face when he told me this. Perhaps it was 10 years ago that he went through all this, but the hurt was still there. Then I thought about something else. I don’t think it was a happy accident that he was placed in my life. Basically, him requiring my services three times a week (on top of the other freelance work I’ve been doing) is what made me think seriously about throwing in the towel on the job search and strictly doing freelance and on-call work. Additionally, I never felt so strong an urge to tell someone about my struggles with infertility. I didn’t tell him, and I don’t know if I will (probably not). For the most part I feel like the general public doesn’t understand what it’s like to struggle with infertility (and that’s fantastic because I wouldn’t wish it or the awful feelings it brings upon anyone). At that moment I felt like telling him so strongly because I felt like he would understand. This whole night has shredded my heart (and no I didn’t drink too much because my rule is unless it’s your bachelorette party always drink less than your companions especially in Japan).
I’m having trouble finishing this blog. I don’t know where to go from here. My heart is heavy. I can’t understand a world that’s so unbalanced. I can’t understand two loving kind and caring parents continually deprived of sharing that love with a child when people who don’t want children, who will abuse children, or who won’t properly care for children seem to get PG so easily. It’s not right. It’s not okay. It doesn’t sit well with me.
I do have to go to bed. Tomorrow, I have a job interview, I have another meeting with Demande (which he’s already paid for), and I have to make stupid Valentine’s stuff. It all seems so arbitrary right now. I hope your night wasn’t as emotionally tumultuous as mine.