I’m having the anxiety again. Tonight I was supposed to meet with Demande. On Monday he prepaid me for the week. I don’t like being prepaid, but he insists. Normally it’s not a problem but today he messaged me saying he got food poisoning (from eating raw chicken) and had to cancel tonight. First of all, I’m wondering if that’s a language issue and maybe he meant undercooked chicken? Wouldn’t eating raw chicken kill you? (As an aside I just googled that and found a lot of anecdotal shit.) I’m also thinking that no one not even Japanese people eat raw chicken so maybe it was just undercooked. The second thing I thought was, is this a lie? I don’t know why I thought this. He said he wanted to get a drink after. In the past with freelance work, this is usually how it ends. The client cancels repeatedly and finally stops needing my services. This would be tragic for my pocketbook since I make a lot of money off Demande, but also I felt more bummed about him not being my friend anymore especially since we have the awful infertility connection. Why does anxiety do this to me?!?! It makes me feel perfectly shitty. Nonetheless he’s rescheduled for Monday (since I don’t work on weekends so I can
watch Mamoru work spend time with Mamoru.)
How did I attempt to fix my anxiety? I cooked some green beans and ate them, and now I’m drinking again. That’s probably not the best course of action, but I don’t have anything better to do, and Demande is literally my only friend. So far I’ve met with two other girls in this city and they have been boring AF. Are there any cool people here? I miss my girls Minako, Makoto, Setsuna, Diana, Ami, and Haruka.
I messaged Motoki today because I wanted to see what he thought about the job offer. He never messaged me back. According to iMessage, he didn’t even read my message. Sigh. I’m not doing too well in the friendship department today. I’m super lonely right now. With that feeling the depression set in, and I thought I would just cry it out. Instead I just feel a numbness, a literal empty feeling. I don’t like it. I had been so busy that I didn’t have time to feel lonely or depressed. Suddenly I got very unbusy and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m going to drink and watch Netflix I guess. It’s raining here, so obviously the weather has been shitty today. I took Small Lady out this morning to catch some Gen 2 Pokémon and it started raining on us before before we got back to the house. It’s just been a miserable day all around. I hope tomorrow is better.