Japan · Life · Mental Health

Feeling small…

I’ve been trying to watch HBO’s “Big Little Lies” for the past hour or so.  I am really interested in seeing what they did with it because I recently finished the book.  However, other things have prevented me from watching it and causing anxiety instead.  One of those things is Mamoru coming to fight with me.  So that’s two fights already and the week just started.  The other thing is お父さん still hasn’t paid me, despite promising to pay me today.  My head feels like someone split it open with an axe.  FML.

So I recently told you about a job offer I received from Company H.  The first thing I did when I got this job offer is talk to Mamoru.  I didn’t talk to him because I needed his permission to take a job.  Fuck that.  It’s not the 1950s.  I talked to him because I wanted to see what he thought about it, and I had hoped he’d be supportive especially after how much I’ve struggled with trying to find happiness here.  When we talked, he was okay with everything.  Right now his company pays for my insurance since I’m technically unemployed.  When we talked about the job at Company H, we found that I’d make too much money (yeah not really but according to his company I would) for them to continue paying my insurance.  Since that was the case, I told Mamoru I’d pay my own fucking insurance.  It’s not that big of a deal.  When last we talked, he was fine with all of this.

As an aside I want to explain 生き甲斐  which basically translates to your life’s purpose.  For me my 生き甲斐 is my career.  It’s been the biggest part of my life.  It’s the only thing I know how to do very well.  I don’t even think I’m that good at marriage, but I kick ass left and right in my field.  It’s the only thing I’ve done consistently well in my life.  While it may stress me out at times, it is the thing that gives me the highest sense of purpose in this really crap world.

With that said, tonight I reminded Mamoru that I’d be taking this job, and he actually said (canyoufuckingbelieveit) that I should negotiate a lower salary with Company H, so that his company would continue to pay my insurance.  Even though he said that this was not his intention, he completely negated my main purpose for existing.  It’s a 3 day a week job.  It’s already not the best job I could possibly take.  It’s a compromise as Mamoru wants me working in a low stress environment, so maybe we can TTC again in the future (like I’m really feeling that at the moment).  The fact that he said I should negotiate my salary down was a huge slap in the face, and I told him I felt incredibly undervalued by him.  He said he didn’t mean it like that, and what he said was just a suggestion and poor English and blah blah blah.  Nonetheless there was lots of tears and cussing (both from me), and lots of retreating (from him).

One step forward, ten steps back.  I feel like this is my life.  Things have been so fucking hard for me here.  Maybe this job will make me happy or maybe it won’t.  But I don’t know until I try.  As a funny (not ha ha funny, more like sad funny) aside, there were two freelance clients I wanted to speak to before accepting the job (and I told Mamoru this too).  One I spoke to last week, and she was fine with rearranging our schedule.  The other was Demande who I meant to talk to last week too, but he got sick.  I saw him today for our usual Monday meeting (plus drinking time after), and when I told him about the job he said “That’s great!”  Why couldn’t Mamoru just have said “That’s great”?  Why did he have to be only concerned with a fucking monthly insurance bill?  When did my happiness become second, an afterthought?

Right now I feel so small and unimportant especially to Mamoru which is sad because I think part of a spouse’s job is to lift you up.  I try to do that as often as I can for him, but I don’t suppose the reciprocal of that is much like him at all.  He’s never been one to shower me with compliments or praise or anything like that.  So my mental health suffers again.  It’s telling me I’m worthless.  I’m worthless to Mamoru.  I am not important to anyone.  Why are you here?  It asks.  WTF are you even doing with your life?  You suck.  And I keep telling it to shut up and shut up and the headache grows and grows and grows.

I don’t anticipate Mamoru will be joining me in bed tonight, and if that’s what happens then so be it.  I don’t give a shit what he does tonight.  I’m going to take some Advil PM and say fuck you to all the noise inside my brain tonight.  I didn’t stock up on Advil PM when I was in The States, so I’m running low on it.  Just checked, 9 pills.  Why the fuck would I take one Advil PM?

I’m done writing.  My head hurts so bad, and I’m starting to get really tired.  Tomorrow I’ll dust myself off and try again.  Meanwhile, I took the job.  It’s the best I can do to try to be happy.  For now I’ll keep on keeping on.

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