Life · Mental Health

On being too busy and needs…

I guess Wednesday is phone day.  This morning I talked with Naru, and this evening Motoki called.  Motoki.  I told him I had almost forgotten about him.  Of course, I meant it as a joke, but also I kind of wanted to dig into him a little for his aloofness especially, since I wanted to talk to him about the job at Company H.  He said there seemed to be both positives and negatives about working there.  I suppose that’s true of any company.  I’ve said this many times: I don’t know if it’ll make me happy but I’ve got to try.  We chatted and got on some topics that made him uncomfortable, so we decided to change the focus of the conversation, so my way of doing that was to basically call him out as a bad friend citing his busyness all the time.

Maybe you’ve seen this:

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Or something like it.  I asked his opinion about that.  He said yeah okay.  It’s an excuse.  Being busy is an excuse.  He said that he wants to devote time to talking with me but he’d rather say nothing than one word or line.  Okay, I get it I do.  Who are we to each other anyway?  We’re not partners, boyfriend or girlfriend, we don’t even live in the same city anymore.  I said that he doesn’t need me in his life.  But that’s wrong, he said.  Apparently because he’s selfish (aren’t we all) the need I serve him is as a great ego boost.  Fantastic.  Then who boosts my ego?  (See there’s that selfishness.)  He said that I make him laugh, and I laugh at him.  Having someone to laugh with is important to him especially since we only talk in English, and he wants to be funny in more than one language.  Because Motoki has depression that he hasn’t been able to manage yet, I suppose I easily forgive him of his transgressions.  Either that or I’m just a really forgiving person.

All this made me wonder, who really needs me?  Does Mamoru really need me?  No, I suppose he doesn’t need me.  He wouldn’t die without me, and sometimes I feel the only thing I give him is a shocking conversation piece when people find out his wife is a gaijin.  I suppose maybe Small Lady needs me as I’m her walker and primary food distributor.  Then I think if I wasn’t around then Mamoru would take care of Small Lady.  So do people even need each other?  I guess all this has got me feeling a bit down.  See I want to be wanted, and I want to be wanted so badly that I feel needed.  I wish I felt like my own husband felt this way about me.  Isn’t depression a funny thing?  One minute you’re up and then the next you’re down.  I guess the moral of this story is don’t ask anyone if they need you because you’ll probably get a selfish answer.

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