Today it’s rainy and generally miserable, and so is my mood. I’m sitting on the sofa trying to work up the energy to put something in the slow cooker. It’s not that taxing, but I can’t do it right now. I tried to eat breakfast. I failed. I tried to eat lunch or second breakfast. I failed. I’ve been fighting off tears all morning. Every song that Alexa plays tries to push me over the edge. I keep teetering. I’m teetering on this precipice because I have a two hour meeting with one of my freelance clients from 4PM to 6PM. I can’t cancel it.
Last night Motoki said that he has good periods and bad periods. Right now he’s hanging out in between those two and it’s okay for him. Me I tend to jump back and forth. One day, two days, three days are wonderful, one day is total shit and vice versa. Why is depression so cruel? I want to drink a lot. I don’t want to feel anything inside my head. I thought briefly that I’d rather feel some physical pain than this mental anguish. Don’t worry though. I lack the courage to hurt myself. I’m a coward. Generally, I’m a coward. I’m also weak. I just want to (mentally) beat myself up I guess. As if the depression isn’t beating me up enough. I’m a glutton for punishment.
No tears Usagi. No tears. You have shit to do today. You cannot show up to your meeting later with puffy red stupid eyes. How can your eyes be beautiful when they are drowing in tears?
“Take Me to Church” just came up on the Echo Dot. I always thought this song was about religion but it’s not, is it? I guess songs can be interpreted any number of ways. We impart our experiences into our interpretation.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. It’s all over the place just like my noisy brain…all over the place. I better make this damn soup. I better feed Small Lady. I better act like a productive member of society. I better put my sad on the back burner, get up off this sofa, put on a fake smile, and get shit done. Deep breath. You can do this.