I often have thoughts of hurting myself. Sometimes, I hate myself so much that I want my flesh to burn with the same emotional agony I feel inside. But I can’t. I can’t physically hurt myself. I lack the courage to do so. There have been times (no joke) when I’ve picked up a sharp object and tried so very hard to cut into myself. I am such a wimp where pain is concerned I just can’t do it. The sharp falls along with my body into a heap on the floor.
I wonder what made me such a horrible person. It seems no matter how much I try to be a good, kind, and sweet person, I always fail, and I remain a miserable cur.
It’s been a rough night. I don’t want to go into specifics (and I apologize for that vagueness). From where I was tonight it took about an hour to get to Ami’s house. I cried the entire train ride and the walk from the station to her house. If I was at home, I might try to hurt myself but alas I’d probably fail miserably. Fortunately, my lost crown is making it easy to not eat, so I can inflict pain on myself by not eating.
I really would not like to wake up tomorrow. I’d not like to wake up because I’d like to be dead. Yes, I am aware of how oh so very dramatic that sounds, but I’m really feeling utter despair right now.
I don’t know where I was going with this post. I’ve been drinking, I had a difficult night, I’m thinking I don’t wanna wake up in the morning so all in all nothing really winning about anything at the moment.
Tomorrow please bring me some solace.