Mental Health

Why I don’t self harm…

I often have thoughts of hurting myself.  Sometimes, I hate myself so much that I want my flesh to burn with the same emotional agony I feel inside.  But I can’t.  I can’t physically hurt myself.  I lack the courage to do so.  There have been times (no joke) when I’ve picked up a sharp object and tried so very hard to cut into myself.  I am such a wimp where pain is concerned I just can’t do it.  The sharp falls along with my body into a heap on the floor.

I wonder what made me such a horrible person.  It seems no matter how much I try to be a good, kind, and sweet person, I always fail, and I remain a miserable cur.

It’s been a rough night.  I don’t want to go into specifics (and I apologize for that vagueness).  From where I was tonight it took about an hour to get to Ami’s house.  I cried the entire train ride and the walk from the station to her house.  If I was at home, I might try to hurt myself but alas I’d probably fail miserably.  Fortunately, my lost crown is making it easy to not eat, so I can inflict pain on myself by not eating.

I really would not like to wake up tomorrow.  I’d not like to wake up because I’d like to be dead.  Yes, I am aware of how oh so very dramatic that sounds, but I’m really feeling utter despair right now.

I don’t know where I was going with this post.  I’ve been drinking, I had a difficult night, I’m thinking I don’t wanna wake up in the morning so all in all nothing really winning about anything at the moment.

Tomorrow please bring me some solace.

One thought on “Why I don’t self harm…

  1. I hate liking your posts. It’s not appropriate. So here is the comment. I also attempted self-harm in my twenties and early thirties when I was married because my husband was such an ass. He was so degrading and cruel. Cutting was never successful. I am like you on that. I did however come up with another way that was befitting all the berating I endured. I did it in front of him and he never cared. I will not tell you what that was. I will also not tell you anything cliche about this depression you are experiencing. Only I hope something wonderful comes your way. I pray for that. And even while you may not believe, I personally have experienced great miracles from serious prayer and that connection. That I promise is true.


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