Japan · Life · Mental Health


Note: I オタク a bit in this post about anime.  I don’t watch anime anymore (except “Sailor Moon Crystal” because the feels!), so what I like isn’t very current, and I can also count on one hand the number of people I’d take anime recommendations from.  Also, while the gifs that appear here are from the film series, I like the TV series a bit better story-wise.  The art in the films is much more beautiful though.


Earlier today I sat in the pizza half of a coffee shop/pizza restaurant.  It’s where I usually meet Demande, but after I had already left the house (FML) he alerted me he’d be an hour late.  This is the latest he’d ever been to one of our meetings.  I sat there angry.  I was angry because he was so very late. I was angry because it was so cold and windy outside.  I was angry because I didn’t have the will to wander around or even window shop.  This meeting was the only reason I got out of bed today, so I was anxious to crawl back into bed upon its completion.  I wondered if he’d pay me for the time I waited.  (He did.)  I wondered if he’d cancel tomorrow.  (He didn’t but that’s still not out of the realm of possibility.)  Tomorrow is a very busy day and I’ll be even angrier if I have to go there again for nothing.  Technically he’s my boss but am I able to fire myself?  The money he pays me is tremendously helpful though, and I don’t want to live without it.  I swear he’s the most un-Japanese person when it comes to time.  When he did arrive, I put on a fucking fake smile and did my fucking job.  The weakest fake smile I could muster.  It wasn’t very convincing.

I finished all of Evangelion yesterday.  One season, one ending film, 3 Rebuild films.  Before I had seen any Evangelion, I likened myself to Mari because I thought I sort of looked like her.  However, her personality isn’t at all like mine (except maybe a little of her snark).  I’m definitely Shinji.  Shinji who quietly suffers and is sensitive and flawed and selfish and conflicted and someone who pretends to be strong but isn’t actually very strong at all.  In addition, Shinji is passionate about everything he does even if that thing isn’t the best thing.  Shinji suffers from depression and finds himself unnecessary.  He has family issues.  I am definitely Shinji.  I’m glad I watched it.


I’ve not felt good all day.  I didn’t want to work today.  I didn’t want to do anything.  Why couldn’t I just stay in bed and cry?  While I was walking to meet Demande, I felt like screaming.  Just opening my mouth and letting out the most blood curdling scream like I was being murdered and then collapsing into a crying heap on the sidewalk.  Of course, I didn’t do any of this.  But I thought about it.

At first my anger at Demande took over, and I was quite curt with him while we were working.  Our conversation wasn’t the cheerful, light type.  The atmosphere was shit.  Then I asked about Evangelion.  He told me once “I really like this anime”, so I wanted to know his thoughts on all things.

Why do you like it?
“It’s not for kids,” he said.  This is true.  It’s quite violent and sometimes shocking.

Who’s your favorite character?
“EVA Unit 01.” (That’s really what he said.  He said because it’s so powerful and sometimes has a mind of its own.)

But who do you liken yourself to?
“Kaji.” (This I found surprising because he actually kind of looks like Kaji without the weird ponytail.)

I said that he reminded me of Kaworu (who’s actually my favorite character), but he said no because “He’s perfect.”  That may be so, but that’s not why Demande reminds me of Kaworu.  Kaworu is charming and speaks in soft tones.  His voice and aura has a calming demeanor.  Demande is kind of like this.  Plus despite his adamant arguing against the fact, he is absolutely a big romantic idealist just like Kaworu.  (Literally from day 1, I deemed him a romantic idealist whereas I am a bitter realist, and he’s been arguing about it ever since.)  After explaining my reasoning, he gracefully accepted the compliment in a soft voice.  We actually talked for 30 minutes about Evangelion, and I started to feel better.  He was surprised that I likened myself to Shinji (about as surprised as when I told him I watched everything), but when I broke down my reasons, and he analyzed Shinji along with me, he eventually agreed that we are quite alike.  After that I made him stay and work with me for an hour and fifteen minutes over the time.  (He was supposed to start at 1 and go to 3, but he started at 2, and I made him stay until 4:15 even though he kept looking at his watch because he still wanted to leave at 3 despite being late.  Your emails will still be there, buddy.)


The wind was biting as I walked back to the station after our meeting.  I couldn’t wait to get in the house and take a warm bath, but I decided to stop at ドンキ on the way home.  I bought a small notebook and some veggies and miso to make soup with.  Once home, I made two kinds of soup and then had to wash up myself and Small Lady (who made a helluva mess while I was gone for just a few hours).  I sat under the hot water for a long time.  It was such a nice feeling that I just wanted to stay there all night.  Once AF leaves the building (hopefully tomorrow GTFO), I decided that I’m going to sit in a hot bath (with the water up to my neck thank you Japanese bathtubs).  I miss baths, and I’m afraid I’ll not have much time left for them as it’s going to get warm soon.  Also, I miss sleeping without pants (your TMI for the day is since I refuse to wear a diaper to bed, I always wear jammie pants during AF in case of leakage).  Yes, being a girl super sucks sometimes.

This blog took a long time to write and the yawns are taking over, so it’s time to turn in for the night.  I have to get up at 9AM to meet with a freelance client in the morning and then 2 more in the afternoon and evening (2 hours each, please kill me).  Thursdays are not fun at the moment, but that should balance out a little better once I start at Company H next month.

Thanks for geeking out with me.  Good night!

One thought on “Evangelion…

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