My eyes blaze blue after I’ve been crying. Did you know that? I didn’t. The blue is so intense it’s scary.
Mamoru came home later than usual again. I had hoped he’d come with flowers. (He didn’t.) I had hoped he’d come with sweets. (He didn’t.) He came with a card and three choices of a White Day present (written on sticky notes). Two of the presents were not great and one was nice. The one I chose ended up being one of the not great ones, and so I erupted into tears. Now hold on. Before you call me spoiled and selfish, you need to understand why I cried. I cried because I felt like my husband, the man I’ve know for more than four years and have been married to for two of those, didn’t know me at all. I tried to explain this to him but things just kept rolling downhill faster and faster until it crashed into an argument. The same argument as always: his work is more important than I am. This time I switched it up on him, changing the language. I said it never feels like he’s mentally with me. For example, he won’t look at me while we’re talking, he often walks too quickly leaving me behind, he can’t remember things I’ve told him, and the list goes on. Mentally he is not with me. He is always elsewhere (work). I am hurt. I am sad. Then I ask a series of questions. Does he even know what I like? What my interests are? What my hobbies are? Does he know any of these things? Could this be anxiety telling me my husband doesn’t know who I am? Or is he really not interested in me at all? This is actually how I feel.
“I don’t care if you ruin my life. At least you’ll have been in my life.” This quote is from Sunday’s episode of “Girls”. I put it on my Facebook because it was pretty fucking profound. Is that what Mamoru’s doing? Is he ruining my life? Or did I ruin my own life? I tell you what, kids, this is not the grand marriage I had hoped for. The problems we have were not even problems that crossed my mind when I said “I do”. Then in the midst of our fight he asked me if I wanted a divorce. No, if I wanted a divorce I would already have papers prepared. I don’t threaten divorce like he does. It’s emotionally manipulative and hurtful. Fuck, we have problems. Not to mention he didn’t sleep in our bed again last night. We have problems.
To be honest I’m not even looking forward to tomorrow. I know we’re seeing a movie so that’s two hours of peace at least. Isn’t that a horrible thing to think? I feel so hurt. I feel so wounded. My life has never been like a fairy tale. Why did I think marriage would be like one? My wings are broken. My light has dimmed. I lack the vibrance I once had. My spirit is crushed. Where are you happiness? Why are you so hard to find these days?
So like the rest of my life these days, White Day was utter shit.