Mental Health

Anxiety…

I’m having mad anxiety which decided it would wake me up at 1AM, 3AM, and 6AM.  So Demande went to Thailand this week, and I’ve not heard from him all week.  Fine.  However, he was supposed to be back yesterday (but I don’t know when).  No message yesterday nor anything overnight.  Why has this triggered my anxiety?  Well, he scheduled a meeting today (a long one so that means extra money).  First, I’m having anxiety that he’s going to cancel, and I’m going to lose that money which after being violated by my phone company this week, I really need.  Then I’m having anxiety that I won’t hear from him.  Which brings me to my next reason for anxiety, I’ll have to call him.  We have literally never talked on the phone before.  Literally never.  I’d have to start the conversation in Japanese which isn’t the biggest problem, but the whole thing is still making me feel incredibly anxious.  I woke up 3 times last night to check my messages.  He hasn’t even read them.  It’s entirely possible that he was tired from travel and crashed out, but this thought still isn’t helping my anxiety.  Of course, anxiety also tells me that something happened to him, and he couldn’t come back to Japan.  Anxiety loves the worst case scenario.  Meanwhile, I’m lying in bed tired as fuck while my heart is pounding and silently praying “please text me so I don’t have to call you.”  I love when anxiety takes perfectly normal human things and makes them akin to walking through a house of horrors.  I imagine I’ll be draining my phone battery all day checking for messages.

Mamoru didn’t sleep in our bed last night…again.  He’s got to work around 1PM so if I don’t hear from Demande, I’ll call him after Mamoru goes to work so he isn’t here.  If he was anxiety would say, “He’s silently judging your Japanese.”

Anxiety is a real bitch.

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