Japan · Life

One step forward, two steps back…

Today was a particularly horrible day.  Right now this girl from my home state is staying in our house.  I think we’ve been pretty accommodating.  I picked her up from the airport, set up a room for her in my tatami room (where a good portion of my clothes are), offered her my oatmeal to eat for breakfast, washed her clothes, and helped suggest places for her to visit.  I make her tea in the morning, we took her sightseeing (by car) yesterday, and I cooked dinner for her last night (she had two helpings as well as two glasses of our wine).  This sounds like complaining.  It’s not.  I’m just trying to illustrate all the ways I’ve been accommodating for our house guest.  None of these things are too taxing.  I don’t mind doing them.  Mamoru, however, believes in Japanese おもてなし which can basically be summed up by this: treat your foreign guests like platinum and the foreigners who live in your country like crap.  Japanese people want foreign tourists (especially white foreign tourists) to think that they (Japanese people) are the kindest most helpful, most accommodating people on this Earth.  If you as a tourist get lost you may be pleasantly surprised when a Japanese person goes out of his or her way to walk you to your station.  (This actually happened to me when I traveled here, and many people I know have this same story.)  However, if you as a resident of Japan happen to fall and get hurt in the subway, you might be appalled at how many people will literally step over you to get to their train.  (Another thing that actually happened to me.  Fortunately, some kind Japanese people did assist in getting me into an ambulance.)  Even though this is one person’s anecdotal account of living in Japan, I feel like it clearly illustrates how two-faced Japanese people can be.  This is why I exploded on Mamoru early this afternoon.  He’s shown our house guest the utmost in Japanese hospitality, paid for everything yesterday, and wanted to continue throwing money at her.  Meanwhile, I am scared to ask my husband for any money even though I haven’t had a job since September because he makes me feel bad if I ask for money (thank the PTB for freelance work).  This erupted into another fight about money.  Mamoru is concerned he’s going to go bankrupt within the next few years if he has to keep spending money like has been.  This is the man who wanted me not to work and was willing to spend any amount of money necessary on IVF.  Now suddenly this same man is concerned about going bankrupt.  Even though I am completely baffled, I asked what would help ease the financial tension because I want to solve problems not continue to fight.  He said no gifts, no trips.  Done.  I never ever needed fancy gifts from him.  All the fancy things he chose to buy me on his own.  I demanded nothing of him.  I shop at Uniqlo for crying out loud!  In addition, I used to help pay for our trips, but I haven’t even mentioned anything about taking any trips because I haven’t been working.  He’s the one who suggested a Golden Week trip and other trips.  I have been apprehensive to mention any trips because I don’t have any money.

Anyway, Mamoru made good strides this week with communication, but he feels like I didn’t appreciate it, and then we had a huge fight today.  It’s one step forward, two steps back.  Every time.  Mamoru says he’ll support me in getting my permanent residence, so I should stop worrying about that.  I pay for my phone and internet.  I will be paying for my insurance once I start at Company H.  I’m doing the best I can right now.  I haven’t asked Mamoru for money since maybe January.  I’ve been paying for everything I need to pay for because of my freelance work (thanks Demande).

I hate that we have to have this argument.  I feel like Mamoru makes me feel like my mother made me feel every time I asked her for money.  I try to be smart with money but I’m so bad at it.  I could have been saving money for the past year.  Hindsight.  It’s no use kicking myself over and over for this.  I just need to focus on building a good financial future for myself.  That’s my goal for 2017.  (One of three goals: save money, lose 10kg, and get my permanent resident visa.)  I can do this.  I can do this.  This past can’t be changed but the future can.  I need to do this.  I can do this.  I will do this.


3 thoughts on “One step forward, two steps back…

  1. They say money is one thing you’ll argue about when you are married. Infertility takes that money argument to whole another level. We are currently in financial lockdown as we gear up for another round – it is hard to not point out what he buys when I know the shit I’ve bought. sigh* And in a culture that was created for us to buy, buy, buy – it is hard not to. :/ Life was easier when I didn’t have to worry about another person. When my money was my money instead of it now being “our” money.


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