Mental Health

Hello depression, my old friend…

I’m not feeling good, mentally.  Depression and anxiety are beating into my head.  I have three days off, and all I want to do is hide from the world.  I can’t exactly do that because of the house guest.  She left my house less than 30 minutes ago.  It’s past noon.  She should have gotten out of here much much much earlier.  Her visit is starting to wear on me.  I want my house back.  This morning I kept mumbling to myself “get out of my house” hoping she’d subliminally catch the message.  She didn’t catch it soon enough.  Fuck.  In addition, the room she’s staying in is starting to smell.  She doesn’t take a shower every day.  Man I don’t care if you don’t wash your hair every day but at least shower every day.  I think it’s courteous especially if you’re staying in someone else’s house and you don’t want to stank it up.  I opened the window of the room and I’m airing that shit out all day.  I thought back to when I stayed with Ami about a month ago.  I didn’t behave like this.  Could it be because my house guest is younger?

In other news, I was supposed to talk with Naru today.  She’s not answering my messages.  Sometimes she does this thing where she’ll reply in her head, but I’ve sent her 4 messages already.  In addition to being ignored by Naru, Demande isn’t answering my messages either.  This is causing me anxiety because did I get fired?  We are supposed to meet on Thursday and it’s only Monday, so I shouldn’t be freaking out but I am.  Even though he’s technically not obligated to answer my messages in a timely fashion, he usually does (or at least within a day), but what’s weird about this time is that he’s not even read my messages.  I’m wondering if he’s gone the Japanese route of general avoidance, but I hope that’s not true.  He’s by far my most interesting (and lucrative) freelance client.  Naru just messaged me, and at least she’s alive and well.  I’ve worn my phone battery down checking my email and for messages I may have missed.  Of course, there were none.  Why is anxiety like this?  It’s such an awful feeling.

I’m feeling depressed.  I’m feeling anxious.  I’m feeling like I just want my life to go back to normal.  The house guest leaves on Friday morning so I suppose that’s when things will normalize.  It will be a new normal to adjust to because I have to start at Company H next week.  This is my last week of a free schedule, but at least when I go home, it will be my own home, and there won’t be any smelly guests in there.  If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit in the shower for a long time and likely cry the whole time.

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One thought on “Hello depression, my old friend…

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