Mental Health

Anxiety and the noisy brain…

I’ve been taking Advil PM almost every night to sleep.  My brain has been noisy beyond belief as of late.  It seems like everything that happens makes noise in my head.

It’s another day in Japan.  It’s Tuesday.  I have a client meeting with Demande on Thursday.  I’ve not heard from him since last week, Friday evening.  This is very rare.  His turn around time is usually 2 days or less.  He’s not read my messages on a messaging app we use.  Yesterday afternoon I sent him an email.  He’s not responded to that either.  Anxiety sends my brain asking million questions, creating a million scenarios (all of which are my fault).  Did I do something wrong?  Is he not happy with my work?  Have I been fired?  Is he just avoiding me until I go away or give up?  What about our meeting on Thursday?  Has that been cancelled?  Is it still on?  What about our meeting scheduled for next week?  Has he found someone who can do a better job than I can?  Is his phone broken?  Has he been hurt?  Is he in the hospital?  Was he in a serious car accident?  A broken phone would explain the messages not being answered.  How about the email?  Did it go to spam?  I sent it from a different address.  Am I going to have to call him?  I don’t want to call him.  Should I send him another email?  This behavior is very unlike him.  What if something terrible happened?  All these things and more are swirling around my brain.  If I’ve been fired, he owes me that professional courtesy.  Don’t you think?  After all, I’ve been working for him for two months.  It’s better to know something than to know nothing (poor Jon Snow).  One girl I was doing freelance work for fired me without telling me (which is bullshit Japan come on), but I had only done about two jobs for her before she stopped speaking to me altogether.  I am always forthright with my clients.  If I can’t continue working with them, I will tell them.  I’ve done that with two clients already.  I think they owe me the same, right?  If anyone has any advice as to how to handle this situation with Demande, please let me know.  I’ve resolved to call him on Thursday if I don’t hear from him before then.  Is that too late?  Our meeting is supposed to be Thursday.  Fuck.  Shut up anxiety!


5 thoughts on “Anxiety and the noisy brain…

  1. First, it’s not your fault. There is nothing you can do to control the actions of others. I can really only see two choices you can call him or you can wait. For whatever reason he is out of contact that is a choice (or force) that is his and is not on you.


    1. Thank you. I can’t help but blame myself. Anxiety does that. It gives me every worst possible scenario and in all of them I’m to blame. I’ll see what happens today and then try again tomorrow.


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