Mental Health · Weight Loss

Anxiety amplified…

I’m currently nursing a headache.  My anxiety level is through the fucking roof.  The house guest hasn’t left for the day, and it’s after 2:30PM.  FML.  Also, get the fuck out of my house.  I want some fucking privacy!

He gets it.

Last night after midnight I sent Demande the most professional fucking email of my life.  It didn’t reflect the casualness of our working relationship at all.  Here’s what I said:

“As you know we have two meetings upcoming, one on April 6th and one on April 10th. I have been unable to reach you through Line which is unusual. I’m hoping that it’s merely a phone issue and not a matter of you no longer wanting me to work for you. However, if this is the case and you no longer wish to meet, I would appreciate you telling me (via email is fine) because I plan on being at the coffee shop on Thursday at 3PM as scheduled. Thank you in advance for responding to this email.”

This morning I awoke to nothing.  My anxiety has been in overdrive all morning, and now I’m immediately going to the worst case scenario.  What if something horrible happened to him, and he is physically unable to contact me?  I joked around with Kunzite that Demande had died, and now I’m thinking that that was a stupid and insensitive thing to joke about.  What if it’s true?!?!  Why is my brain doing this to me?  I am on the verge of tears typing this out.  Never mind, no longer on the verge.  Full on tears rolling.  Demande knows about my noisy brain.  If he wants to fire me, just fucking fire me.  Sure I won’t be happy about it, but it’s better than the agony anxiety about this situation is causing me now.  I have to call him.  I am thinking about doing it tonight because I don’t have much time tomorrow before we are supposed to meet (meaning I don’t think he’d be awake).  Have I done all I can?  Is there anything more I can do.  This is so sudden and unexpected.  Our last meeting was fine as usual.  There were no problems nor nothing weird happened.  He didn’t express any dissatisfaction with my work.  In fact, he scheduled two meetings with me instead of one.  Please be okay, and please contact me before the time I have to call you.  This is making me sick.  I couldn’t even eat lunch.  I fucking hate anxiety.

Shinji you are my spirit animal.

In other news I’m officially down 3kg and I can’t even be happy about it.  I’ve lost 3kg (7lbs) which means I’m 3.8kg away from my first goal weight.  I think this is super, but there’s no room in my head for happiness right now.  This situation with Demande is being so loud, there’s no room for anything else except for general annoyance at my house guest.  Guys, she asked if she could eat my leftovers (leftovers of the low carb meal that I originally cooked for her and my husband but I had planned on eating).  I told her no.  I wanted to snort out “fuck off”.  Girl, you have free room and board and tea every damn day.  No you cannot eat my leftovers.  Feed yourself.  Additionally, one day she stayed in, and I let her watch my “Sailor Moon” DVDs.  She pulled out another set of DVDs without even asking me.  Are you fucking kidding?!?!  Rude AF.

I’m done.  I’m done with all this shit right now.  I just want my life to go back to normal.  I just want her to get the fuck out of my house so I can give Small Lady a bath and cry in the shower.  This is such bullshit.


Later that evening…

I’m still headachey.  Still no word from Demande.  Still no set decision as to when to call him.  I had a panic attack earlier about that.  It sent me into the toilet retching but in the end no vomit came out just tons and tons of tears.

House guest left at 4:30PM (fucking hell right) so the above ordeal was executed in private thank the PTB.  I haven’t eaten dinner yet.  I don’t even know if I could.  I don’t know what to do.  This anxiety is trying to kill me.  I’d appreciate any helpful advice or words of encouragement.

One thought on “Anxiety amplified…

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