Life · Mental Health


I’m not gonna lie.  It’s been a difficult morning.  I’m doing the best I can do which is struggle through it.  I have to keep telling myself over and over again that I cannot cry.  I cannot cry.  I am currently at Company H.  It’s quiet here.  This is going to make my day go by slowly.

This morning I got a Line message from Setsuna, but just like when Demande messaged me last week, Line didn’t bother to tell me I had a message.  I had to physically open the app and read it.  While there I decided to check out Demande’s profile.  He changed his picture and his song.  His face looks sad.  He’s not much of a smiler anyway but the picture just looks so sad.  What’s worse than the picture is his new song.  It’s now “Stay” by Zedd & Alessia Cara. Here’s a sampling of the lyrics:

“I could give a thousand reasons why.  But you’re going, and you know that.  All you have to do is stay a minute.  Just take your time.  The clock is ticking, so stay.  All you have to is wait a second.  Your hands on mine…Won’t admit what I already know I’ve never been the best at letting go.  I don’t wanna spend the night alone.  Guess I need you, and I need to make it on my own, but I don’t wanna grow up.  We can stay forever young.”

And because I know that Demande is a romantic deep down to the core, I can’t help but think that maybe his girlfriend broke up with him, and he’s suffering.  Of course, this is all supposition, but I have more time on my hands now to sit around and suppose.

Shinji is almost always actually me.

I had to take a break from writing this as I was just about to cry.  I can’t cry at work.  It’s only my second day here.  I wish Demande would talk to me.  Whatever he’s suffering through, he doesn’t have to suffer alone.  Last week Kunzite actually said something that really resonated with me.  He said that I can’t force my way of dealing with things onto Demande.  He’s right, you know.  We each deal with things differently, and perhaps Demande deals by retreating into a shell.  All I know is that I miss him terribly.

2 thoughts on “Struggle…

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