Life · Mental Health

Grump…

Well, I just started my period.  It’s good and bad.  Bad because it’s my period, and good because it held off yesterday so I could do yoga, and it’s also a holiday so I don’t have to go to work and pretend that I love everyone and everything.  I can just grump about the house or lie in bed and watch TV.  (Also, I’d like to thank Kotono for also getting her period literally hours before me as it appears we’ve synced up.)

Though today ended that way (with lying in bed watching TV), it didn’t start that way.  I had to run to the bank this afternoon to deposit some money so I could Paypal Mom’s Mother’s Day gift.  I took my wallet out of my regular bag and put it in a reusable grocery bag.  Then when I came home, I left the wallet in there.  About 1:10PM, I left for my Japanese lesson taking my phone, iPad, wifi, textbooks, pens (any everything else under the damn sun) but forgetting the wallet.  I rode my bicycle 35 minutes to the lesson and that’s when I realized the wallet wasn’t there (right as I fucking arrived).  I had no money and no card with which to pay for anything, so I pedaled back as fast as I could to get the wallet.  Then, I pedaled back to the lesson arriving for my 2:00PM lesson at 2:50PM.  😓  The whole way back to the lesson the second time I just wanted to cry, but no tears came.  That berating myself, that hating myself feeling would not subside.  In the end I paid for an hour lesson which was only about 45 minutes long.  Sigh.  Not my finest two hours.

After that I met with a potential new freelance client, and the whole thing was just weird.  First of all she said she wanted to eat cake, and wanted me to join her in eating cake.  When I politely refused with a quiet “no thank you” (because I don’t feel like I need to explain my low carb lifestyle to every person I barely know), she persisted until I finally got her to shut up about the cake.  When we got to the counter, she didn’t even order any cake.  Are you shitting me lady?  Then, she explained that the work she wanted me to do for her was not for her but for her daughter.  However, the lady would do the work herself on behalf of her daughter.  This whole situation was bizarre.  She paid me full price and wanted to finish 30 minutes early.  Who am I to argue with this crazy?  I left and pedaled home as fast as I could, took a shower, and then watched American Gods.  (I’m fully intrigued and can’t wait to watch more.)

In other news, Mamoru is feeling better, but he had no energy for affections for me this weekend and practically slept the weekend away.  It’s disheartening.  When last we argued, I told him I needed him to initiate sex.  Like literally need.  I cannot do it any more.  It’s not who I am.  I am not sexually aggressive at all, yet I’ve been initiating sex since we started TTC.  This cycle he didn’t initiate sex at all (except once very weakly and it was literally the day my period stopped and past experience says that if we do it on that day, I’ll start bleeding again which is something I don’t want and I told him as much).  I often wonder if I’ve gone and married someone who is exactly like me…not the aggressor.  If that’s the case, we’re not a good match then are we?  I need to feel wanted, desired and I’m sure it’s not my body that’s undesirable (even if it was I’m working on it).  I think it’s just that he works too fucking much.  He can barely speak English anymore because he’s so exhausted by work every day.  (In fact, his English has gotten worse, and I don’t even know how that’s possible.)

In other other news, I’ve not talked to Demande since I basically said fuck you to him a couple days ago.  It makes me think that even though he said he’s my friend, he’s not really my friend.  Kotono said that she thinks he doesn’t have respect for my feelings, and as much as that stings I fear it’s probably true.  Demande said we were friends (when he started talking to me again) but he hasn’t acted much like a friend lately.  He said we’d hang out, but he’s always citing busyness as his reason for canceling.  He never messages me unless I message him first.  He won’t tell me anything.  Friends tell each other things.  They trust each other.  Apparently, he deems that I cannot be trusted with whatever is hurting (or hurt) him which I’ve given him no cause to do.

It appears no one is answering my messages tonight.  Everyone is out having fun without me I guess.  Well, Setsuna answered me.  We chatted for a little while about American Gods and missing each other.  The other 5 people I messaged, are not having anything to do with me tonight.  That’s okay.  I’m on my period.  I’m a grump.  I hate everyone, but mostly I hate myself right now.  Thanks depression.  You continue to suck.  As per usual.

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